*** Who's Your Daddy by Maria Veltre and Jack Sekowski *** --- Script compliments of http://www.cvisual.com -- --> Visit cvisual now for an interview with Jack Sekowski, free scrip ts, free script templates, Top Ten Short Film Tips, and other film material FADE IN: EXT. ABOVE THE CLOUDS - DAY We fly high above heavenly clouds. Beneath a brilliant blue sky. A TEENAGED BOY'S VOICE greets us... TED NELSON (V.O.) On any given day, your life can change in the blink of an eye. It's a cliché, I know... Descending through the clouds, we are caught for a moment in a dreamy gauze. We emerge to find ourselves gliding above a small town. Descending lower. And lower. To Xenia, Ohio. TED (V.O.) ...But a lot of clichés get to be clichés because they're true. Your life CAN change in the blink of an eye. What I mean is, one day you're a regular chump, a wannabe something. You're not even totally sure WHAT you wannabe... We pass over the town square. A fine spring day in middle America. Red brick buildings with names like "Miller & Son Drugs," "Two Sisters Gifts," "Nelson Family Market." You can almost smell the rosy cheeks and moral fiber. TED (V.O.) (CONT'D) ...The next day the doorbell rings and some stranger's holding your ticket to being SOMEBODY. Still flying over the town, we focus on a TEENAGED BOY on a Schwinn. We follow as he pedals his way to... TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL A three story building. Older, brick, sturdy. Meticulously maintained. TED (V.O.) It happens every day. Dreams come true. And not just for those dim witted chain-smoking hillbillies you see on TV. You know, the ones who win the Super Lotto and spend their fortune on a truck full of Goobers and a new set of front teeth. It could happen to any guy, any time...even ME. EXT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY A JANITOR raises the American flag. It flaps proudly as the teenager chains his bike to a bike rack. He glances up at the flag, which is reflected in his uber-hip sunglasses. When he smiles, in SLOW MO, his teeth seem to sparkle. TED (V.O.) Uh, that's not me. I'm over here. We SWISH PAN to another teenager, locking his bike. Meet our much less glamorous hero: TED NELSON, 17. A decent looking kid. Not hip enough to be cool. Not square enough to be tormented. He joins the other KIDS heading into the school. TED (V.O.) (CONT'D) You're disappointed, I know. I admit, I was hopeless back then. The 'do, the shades, ugh. But I always had good taste in women. INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY CHRISTY MALONE, 17, fills her cheerleader uniform in all the right places. We watch her at her locker. Also in SLOW MO. Which makes even her most mundane task seem graceful. Wow, just look at her stack those books. TED (V.O.) That's Christy Malone. Head cheerleader, love of my life, lust of my loins. Christy glances off screen and SQUEALS excitedly. Another cheerleader enters the frame, holding a newspaper called "EXPOSED!" Christy reads the headline. CHRISTY "Health Teacher Flunks Her Own Lesson!" No WAY! It's Miss Pratt, smoking a doobie! Christy calls to Ted.... CHRISTY (CONT'D) Look at this, Ted! Imagine if we did THIS in the school paper! She shows him "Exposed!" Ted gawks. Happy just to be this close to Christy. But they are quickly interrupted by... PRINCIPAL MERKIN (O.S.) Hand them over! Immediately! PRINCIPAL RICHARD MERKIN, mid-50's, marches down the hallway, seizing copies of "EXPOSED!" from students' hands. We can see that it is a "homemade" looking newspaper. And there's obviously much ado about it. Christy winks at Ted as she hides the newspaper in her locker. FREEZE FRAME ON Christy, WINKING. TED (V.O.) Look at that smile. That wink. That's no platonic wink. That's a wink that says, "I don't just want you, Ted. I NEED you." So of course I had to ask her to the prom. I mean, she was practically begging for it. INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - NEWSROOM - DAY Ted ambles toward Christy. Struggling for nonchalance. She limbers up by stretching her leg high against the wall. She whispers to another CHEERLEADER. They giggle. Then Christy turns to Ted. Flashing that perfect smile of hers. CHRISTY Just the guy I've been looking for. Ted wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans... TED I've been looking for you, too. Christy continues stretching. Driving Ted crazy with her contortionist moves. CHRISTY Wouldn't it be awesome if we were about to say the exact same thing? TED (sotto) From your lips, to God's ears. CHRISTY You go first. TED Ladies first. I insist. CHRISTY Well. The prom's coming up. TED Yeah? CHRISTY And I was wondering. TED Yeah? CHRISTY If you don't have...I mean... She looks up at him with gorgeous blue eyes. Then blurts... CHRISTY (CONT'D) Teddy? Would you please please please take me to the prom? TED SHUT UP! Are you serious? Of course I will...of course. Christy joyously jumps into Ted's arms. Wrapping her legs around him in a passionate embrace. The entire room APPLAUDS. CHRISTY You are the most wonderful guy in the whole wide world, and I love you madly, Teddy Nelson! And just as she's about to plant one right on his lips... SMASH CUT TO: INT. TED'S OFFICE - NEWSROOM - DAY The shrill ringing of a TORNADO DRILL ALARM snaps Ted out of his reverie. A large glass window separates Ted's EDITOR-IN CHIEF office from the rest of the school newsroom. We realize now that Ted has only been gazing through the window at Christy, watching her stretch those gorgeous limbs of hers. TED (V.O.) Sorry about that. A cheap trick, I know. But it's my story and my fantasy. So cut me some slack. He follows the other students to... INT. CORRIDOR - TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Ted joins his schoolmates, lining up on both sides of the hallway. Far from any windows. They all know the drill. Christy's just across the hall from Ted. He can't take his eyes off of her. CHARLIE DUKE, 17, approaches Ted. He's got a camera around his neck and so much confidence, it's a wonder he can balance his head on his shoulders. CHARLIE Come on, bro. Spare yourself the humiliation, the degradation... TED You and your pep talks. CHARLIE Don't get me wrong. We can salivate over all the Christy Malones of our lives. Wishing we could devour them like melt-in-your-mouth filet mignon. But we're strictly hamburger guys. Ground chuck, sixty eight percent lean, is about the best we can hope for. FREEZE FRAME ON CHARLIE. TED (V.O.) That's Charlie. My best friend. He's into beef analogies, partly because he's a butcher's son, and partly because, well, he's just into beef analogies. What can I say? He's also a photographer... INT. BASKETBALL COURT - TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Charlie kneels by the sidelines. Shooting cheerleaders with his Nikon and an obscenely long lens. TED (V.O.) ...a very gifted photographer. THROUGH CHARLIE'S LENS: A cheerleader's ripe buttocks, peeking out from beneath a short pleated skirt. As she kicks and jumps, her little red panties wedge themselves firmly between her cheeks. The camera skillfully tracks her movements, waiting until... The cheerleader's hand comes down. In SLOW MO, her finger slips under her panties and tugs on the fabric, pulling it over her cheeks. Charlie's motor drive whirls. RAPID STILL SHOTS OF THE CHEERLEADER'S BOTTOM TED (V.O.) The senior class voted him, "Most Likely To Have A Restraining Order Filed Against Him." But that's another story. BACK TO CORRIDOR Ted and Charlie lean against the wall. TED I genuinely think she wants me. I feel a vibe. CHARLIE That vibe is from your wrist, pal. You've been over-tenderizing your meat, again. Christy catches Ted's eye and smiles a perfect smile. TED See? Did you see that? CHARLIE She smiles at everyone, Ted. She's like a newborn with gas. Charlie secretly shows Ted a nudie magazine. "HEAVEN." A GORGEOUS WOMAN with perfect breasts graces the cover. A golden halo over her head. Charlie flips it open. Points to a picture. CHARLIE (CONT'D) The only chick more untouchable than Christy Malone is Miss April. (feminine voice) "Hi, my name's Ginger. I love tofu burgers, rainy nights, and riding bareback. My biggest turn-off is cell phones during sex." Here's a tip: set it on VIBRATE, honey, and don't be stingy with the lube. (winking at Ted) Don't knock it till you tried it. TED Were you always this sick? CHARLIE One thing for sure, Christy Malone ain't lookin THAT good naked. Ted takes a peek at Ginger. Then at Christy. TED Someday, I'll find out. CHARLIE You have a better chance of being hit by a Mack truck with a refrigerated cargo bed full of sirloin tip. Ted grabs the magazine and flips through more pages. Beautiful, naked women. Palm trees. Blue skies. Bubbling Jacuzzis. Red Ferraris. The stuff that fantasies are made of. Ted looks determined... TED I defy your hamburger theory of life, and all of the unfulfilled hopes and dreams it represents. CHARLIE That's crazy talk. TED I defy any and all limits. Charlie can see the look in Ted's eyes. He's about to do something bold and daring. Something he'll regret. CHARLIE Don't do it, Ted. Don't do it. TED (walking away; defiantly) Any time, any day, a man can completely reinvent himself. Ted starts to walk across the corridor, ignoring Charlie... CHARLIE I'm warning you. This is an official warning. Danger, Will Robinson, danger. A quietly attractive teenaged girl, JULIE CONROY, watches Ted. She seems concerned, too. TED (V.O.) There's one more person you should meet. Someone integral to my story. FREEZE FRAME ON JULIE. TED (V.O.) That's Julie Conroy. Unlike the rest of these losers, she didn't grow up in Xenia, Ohio. I just met her that day. But already, she had made a difference in my life. INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Teachers mill around. Chatting. Snacking on donuts, coffee. PRINCIPAL MERKIN bursts in, spilling a stack of "EXPOSED!" onto a table. Everyone freezes. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Oh, Miss Pratt, Miss Pratt! What were you thinking? How could you be so careless? (reading) "Exposing Hypocrisy in the Morons who Teach Us." That's the little bastard's motto! The teachers turn to MISS PRATT. We recognize her from the cover of "EXPOSED!" MISS PRATT (summoning courage) Principal Merkin, I realize we have to teach the children that recreational drugs are the devil's work, but that doesn't mean we don't dance with the Prince of Darkness ourselves, every now and again. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Ah, well, bravo! That's just what we'll tell the school board. Suddenly, an AIR VENT pops open and CRASHES on top of a coffee machine. THE WHOLE ROOM, IN SHOCKED SILENCE, turns to look at... JULIE, her head framed by the air duct. She holds a digital camera in her hand. Her expression says: "Oh, shit." Principal Merkin narrows his eyes at the "little bastard" who has been making his life hell. INT. TED'S OFFICE - NEWSROOM - DAY Julie sits in a chair in front of Ted's desk. She and Ted size up one another. TED (V.O.) Merk's punishment was cruel. Expulsion without appeal. Or working for me on the school paper. The school paper would be torture for a gonzo reporter like Julie and we both knew it. But what choice did she have? Julie leans back on the chair, rests her feet on Ted's files, and blows a huge bubble. JULIE So, William Randolph. Your last big scoop contrasted the popularity of Rice Crispie Treats and chocolate Snickerdoodles at the annual bake sale. TED That's just one example. My reporting has made a difference. JULIE Let me guess: retail sales of little chocolate sprinkles have gone through the roof! TED The school dumpsters used to overflow to the point where the stench was unbearable. My award winning exposé changed all that. The city added an extra weekday trash pick-up. Julie deadpans... JULIE Is it true? Is ignorance bliss? TED Look, I loved "Exposed!" and I hate it that you got busted. I know the school paper sucks in comparison, but it's really not THAT BAD. Ted's eyes wander to Christy, who prances around the newsroom. Julie notices. JULIE Don't even tell me you're hot for Miss Titty Pom Poms over there. TED Christy's a very talented journalist. I see a Pulitzer in her future. JULIE I didn't know they gave them for Best Lip Gloss Retention During a Blow Job. TED Me-ow. JULIE Go ahead. Ask her to the prom. Get it over with. TED I have absolutely no intention-- JULIE --Do it. I triple-dog-dare you. BACK TO CORRIDOR Ted nears Christy. Students stare as he passes. They elbow one another. Whispering. TED (V.O.) So you see, this is really about a triple-dog-dare. I don't even know what it means. I just know, unless it's a felony, a triple-dog-dare pretty much has to be met with immediate action. Ted seems unaware that all eyes are upon him. The cacophony of the corridor settles. He gets down on one knee in front of Christy. Christy looks down on Ted. Smiles that smile. Which freezes as her eyes dart. Realizing that everyone is staring at them with great anticipation. TED (CONT'D) Uh, Christy, I was wondering... ALL STUDENTS WOULD YOU GO TO THE PROM WITH ME?!!! The corridor explodes with LAUGHTER. Ted flushes with embarrassment. Christy looks mortified. CHRISTY (through gritted teeth) Ted, have you lost your mind? TED You like me. I like you. I guess it's pretty obvious to everyone. CHRISTY I don't LIKE you. We're JUST FRIENDS. TED But that smile. CHRISTY Oh, Ted, DUH. I smile at everyone since I got my braces off. TED So you'll think about it? Christy laughs derisively. CHRISTY You really don't get it, do you? I am genetically programmed to desire a big, buff, manly man who can defend and provide for me and my yet to be conceived offspring! It's, like, a caveman thing! TED So that's a maybe? CHRISTY The answer is NEVER, Ted, NEVER. Except maybe in your dreams. Christy flees. Leaving Ted kneeling there. Alone. Unless you count the hoards of STUDENTS who are watching and LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. TED In my dreams. Of course. (repeating; chanting) This is a dream. This is only a dream. Julie approaches. Gives him a hand. Helps him up. JULIE No, Ted. This is an actual emergency. INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S ROOM - DAY Ted pukes in the sink. JULIE I tried to warn you, William Randolph. She's got stiletto heels hidden in those Keds. TED But you triple-dog-dared me. JULIE It was for your own good, in a twisted sort of publicly humiliating way. CHARLIE One word, my friend. One word. MEATLOAF. Ted lifts his head. Looks in the mirror. Distraught. TED There's gotta be more to life than meatloaf. INT. THE NELSON KITCHEN - EVENING Not a hair above middle class. Home sweet home nonetheless. Dinner in progress. MOM, DAD, Ted, younger brother, JIMMY. A mutt named CORKY curled under the table. A storm brews. Lightning in the distance. Thunder RUMBLES. Ted's Mom observes her son with unmistakable Mom-radar. She slides a slab of - rotten timing! - MEAT LOAF onto his plate with an unpleasant thud. Ted shudders... TED If I never eat another bite of meat loaf again, it'll be too soon. Ted's Mom frowns. Jimmy explains matter-of-factly. JIMMY Mom, Dad. Meatloaf has come to represent all that Ted hates about his mediocre life and the world we live in. He's what you'd call clinically bummed. TED Why can't we have pot roast or stroganoff or even a little London broil? I mean, for god's sake, we own a grocery store! Ted's parents look at one another, shake their heads. His Dad gently explains... DAD We heard about Christy, son. Jimmy tries to stifle a grin. TED What is this? Does everybody know everything I'm about to say or do every freakin' minute of the day? MOM No cursing in this house, young man. Use the strong vocabulary God gave you. TED I don't have a shred of privacy in this whole stupid town! DAD We understand your disappointment, Teddy. Christy is a pretty, sexy, provocative, voluptuous... (catches himself) We...uh...we understand your disappointment. TED It's my private business! Mine! MOM Can the tantrum, sweet pea. We're the good guys, remember? JIMMY Mom, Dad. Don't allow this disturbing behavior to furrow your collective brow. Ted's just experiencing some post-adolescent turmoil, coming to terms with the whole "small town dynamic." TED I hate Xenia! I hate my life! Ted charges for the front door... TED (V.O.) (CONT'D) And until that moment, this was the worst day of my seventeen and a half years. And then it happened. Three, two, one... EXT. NELSON HOUSE - EVENING Ted bursts outside and plows straight into MARTY ZUKERMAN, a short, rotund man in his mid-50s. TED Whoa! Sorry, mister. Zukerman's briefcase and papers are knocked to the ground. Ted helps to retrieve them. ZUKERMAN In a hurry, are we? TED I was in the middle of a melodramatic exit. It wouldn't really make a statement if I tiptoed out the door...What are you selling? ZUKERMAN Bad news. TED People pay good money for that? ZUKERMAN I'm just a messenger. Ted starts to back away. Instinctively knowing the bad news must be for him. TED Oh no. No way. I've had all the bad news I can take for one day. ZUKERMAN It's about your parents. Ted stops. Puzzled. TED My parents? What do you mean? ZUKERMAN I'm terrible at this. I blurt. I'm a blurter. Your parents...They ...well...they exist no further. (off Ted's confusion) Skinny-dipping. The Amazon. Piranhas. It wasn't pretty. TED You've got the wrong guy. The closest my parents have been to the Amazon is the Brazilian pavilion at Epcot. ZUKERMAN Well kid, I'm speaking of...your biological parents. INT. NELSON LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Ted sits on the couch, bewildered. Dad beside him. Mom pours coffee in her best china. Zukerman regards a wall of family photos as he takes a sip. ZUKERMAN The will reading is next Tuesday. Naturally all of Ted's expenses will be taken care of. Ted's parents look worried. Mom reminds Dad... MOM We have a truckload of strawberries arriving on Tuesday morning. DAD (explaining to Zukerman) We own a small family grocery store. ZUKERMAN How quaint. TED (quietly; moping) It's spring break. I don't want to go to a will reading. MOM That's part of growing up, honey. TED What? Having spring break ruined by will readings? DAD You know what your mother means. ZUKERMAN All right, I can give you two tickets, prepaid, but you must be there. There's no other way. JIMMY Mom, Dad. Allow me to accompany Ted. I can assure you, I'll be the level-headed sidekick to your angst ridden teen. DAD I think Ted should take someone older, more responsible. MOM What about Charlie? You boys could make it a little adventure. TED Charlie, at a will reading? What did I do to deserve this? Lightning strikes again. Thunder rumbles a second later. The lights flicker. And it's PITCH BLACK. INT. TED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Candles light the dark room. Rain pours hard outside. Journalism mementos all over Ted's walls. News clippings. Magazine covers. There's even a faux Pulitzer, a Christmas gift from his parents. Ted's Dad sits on the edge of his bed. DAD I remember spring break of my senior year. Seems like a lifetime ago. TED Dad, please. DAD Grandpa was so strong back then. Working from the crack of dawn. So proud of his peaches. TED Remember how you struggled through that whole facts of life talk and then found out I knew more than you? DAD You're way ahead of me again? TED (proving it...) It was the year of the rhizopus rot. Grandpa almost lost the farm. You sacrificed your dream to go to the prize hog festival. And in the end you saved the peaches and you didn't have to slaughter your sow. DAD The lesson being? TED Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to do. It's all part of growing up. And it usually works out peachy in the end. DAD I'm getting so good at this. Dad chuckles, but Ted's still moping. TED You guys are my parents. DAD Of course we are. TED They didn't want me when I was born. Why should I care... ...if they're dead. DAD Son. TED Well, why should I? DAD They had a rough life. Your father was a bouncer. Your mother was, well, a two-bit stripper. There was no place for a baby. TED I guess. DAD They did do one great thing. They gave us our boy. TED Yeah. DAD Be a sport. How bad could spring break in Los Angeles be? TED I guess we could go to Disneyland or something. DAD Think of it as a rite of passage to manhood. TED Like one of those "National Geographic" specials with the topless chicks? DAD Whatever helps you cope. TED I guess it's better than having tribal patterns carved in my face. DAD There ya go. Always remember, focus on the peach... TED ...not the pit. Ted's Dad hugs him briefly, laughing... DAD Always one step ahead of your dear old dad. EXT. LAX - DAY A 747 lands screaming on the runway. INT. LAX - DAY Ted and Charlie exit the plane. They walk tentatively through the sleeve towards the entry gate. CHARLIE I wonder if this is what it feels like to be born? Ted gives him a look. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Think about it...Long tunnel, bright lights, it's full of vaginal symbolism. TED Poor Freud, turning in his grave. CHARLIE Seriously, it's like we're being reborn. We really could reinvent ourselves here, just like you said. Nobody knows about your massive humiliation. TED Nobody knows about your mental retardation. CHARLIE Nobody knows you barfed during junior high school graduation. TED Nobody knows about your constant masturbation. CHARLIE And nobody knows you're a virgin! (after a beat) Aw, who are we kidding... Charlie's words echo loudly through the sleeve... CHARLIE (CONT'D) ...EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU'RE A VIRGIN! People stare at Ted as they pass. TED I think I'll reinvent a new best friend. INT. LAX - TERMINAL - DAY Ted and Charlie enter the terminal. Friends and family wait for loved ones. A few chauffeurs hold signs with names. One stands out. Tall. Blonde. Gorgeous. In a short skirt. A matching low cut jacket. And a cap. She's stunning. And she's holding a sign that reads: TED NELSON. CHARLIE What are the odds of there being ANOTHER Ted Nelson on our flight? TED Astronomical. They grin at one another. Then approach the Chauffeur. TED (CONT'D) Hi, I'm Ted Nelson. With a sad look, the Chauffeur hugs him, kissing one cheek, then the other. CHAUFFEUR I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Your father was a great man. Ted's stunned. Charlie leans in and whispers. CHARLIE Who the hell was your father? TED Well, Dad said... INT. STRETCH LIMO - DAY Ted and Charlie sit on opposites ends of the plush interior. Charlie eyes the control console with its slew of gadgets. They practically have to shout to hear one another. CHARLIE ...A bouncer? Are you serious? TED Maybe he got promoted. Charlie continues playing with the console switches. TED (CONT'D) Don't. Touch. Anything. Too late. Rock music pulsates through the limo. CHARLIE (shouting) This is the life, baby. We get ourselves some tail and we're talking SPRING BREAK! TED Cut it out, before you break something! CHARLIE For a guy about to try his first Dom Perignon, you are extremely uptight. He flips another switch. The bar opens. Revealing a bottle of Dom Perignon on ice. Charlie grins broadly. TED We can't afford that! Charlie grabs the bottle and starts to open it. CHARLIE Don't you know anything about limo etiquette? Everything in here is included for our pleasure. TED Wait a second, I thought we were hamburger guys. CHARLIE And like every hamburger guy knows, when you get your one big chance at the good life, you abuse every second of it until they figure out you don't belong there and kick your sorry ass out. POP! The cork flies through the air. Bounces off the ceiling. And hits another switch. The sun roof glides open. Champagne overflows from the bottle. All over Charlie's crotch. TED Nice. Is that in the limo etiquette handbook, too? Charlie grabs a bar towel as Ted looks toward the sun roof. Beautifully blue Southern California sky greets him. With an occasional palm tree swooshing by. Ted rises. EXT. LIMO - DAY - MOVING Ted's head peeks out of the sun roof. Tentatively. Unsure. He takes in the sights as the limo cruises Sunset Boulevard. People stare at him. A beautiful BLONDE smiles and waves. He waves back, very timidly. Charlie sticks his head out, too. Sun on their faces. Wind in their hair. CHARLIE This is how the other half lives, bro. Enjoy it while you can. EXT. ENTRY GATE - DAY The limo passes through the ornate gate of what could only be a sprawling mansion. It comes to a sudden halt. The door swings open to reveal a group of BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN. Clad in very short black dresses and even some black bikinis. Sad expressions on their faces. EXT. LIMO - DAY The MOURNERS embrace Ted. BEAUTIFUL MOURNER #1 Welcome, Mr. Nelson. You are so very very welcome here. BEAUTIFUL MOURNER #2 We feel your pain, so deeply. CHARLIE (to Ted) Something tells me we're not in Xenia anymore, Toto. EXT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - DAY The beautiful young women guide Ted towards the mansion. Charlie follows. A particularly VOLUPTUOUS BEAUTY eyes him curiously. CHARLIE I'm Charles. The handsome, devoted best friend. We're so close, we feel each other's pain. The voluptuous beauty notices Charlie's soaked crotch. He winks... CHARLIE (CONT'D) See what you do to me, baby. Just then, the spry HELEN McDOLE, 60s, emerges from the mansion. She approaches Ted and hugs him. HELEN Oh my, he would have been so proud. You're the spitting image of him. CHARLIE He never spits, ma'am. Ever. He can't even get a good hocker going. I've tried to teach him. It comes from the diaphragm. TED (sharply; to Charlie) You're on the next plane home. HELEN (emotional embrace) I'm Helen McDole. Your father's executive secretary. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ted takes a seat at the spacious conference table. Helen sits on his right. Charlie sits on his left. Zukerman and two other IMPATIENT ATTORNEYS wait at the head of the table. Finally Zukerman checks his watch and rises. ZUKERMAN We're running out of time. The kid's here. We don't need HIM. HELEN Perhaps we could be patient for just a moment or two longer? They all watch a WALL CLOCK. Seconds pass, slowly, slowly. Then suddenly Zukerman rises. ZUKERMAN What did the doctor say to the nurse as they watched something black and white and red in a blender? (a wry smile) No more patients. Very dramatically, Zukerman slides a copy of "Heaven" magazine down the conference table. Right to Ted. ZUKERMAN (CONT'D) Are you familiar with "Heaven?" TED I'm seventeen. I know it like the back of my hand. ZUKERMAN Your fathered owned the entire "Heaven" empire. You own it now. Any questions? Ted's stunned, speechless. Charlie gawks. CHARLIE Everything? The publishing division, the real estate holdings, the retail outlets, the theme parks? ZUKERMAN As far as the eye can see. Zukerman presses a remote control. A wall panel slides open to reveal a large monitor which springs to life. On the screen is a striking couple. Ted'S BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. HEATHER and TOM DEEDS. Heather, stunningly sexy and overflowing from her gold sequined halter top. Tom, very handsome in a Vegas showman sort of way. HEATHER Oh, sweetheart! We wish we could be right there to hug the living daylights out of you! TOM But if you're watching this, then it means we bit the dust. HEATHER But don't worry...we'll be in heaven. The REAL heaven, I mean. Not that heaven is an actual place, but more like a state of being. Or not being. Who knows. Maybe we know now. TOM If you're anything like yours truly, then you probably figure we didn't want you when you were born, so who cares if we're dead? Am I right? Ted looks guilty. This is too weird. HEATHER But we did want you. It's just that you don't always get to keep what you want. We knew you needed a real mom and dad. TOM We had no idea the nudie magazine we started in the garage would turn into all this. Heather holds up the first issue of "Heaven." She's on the cover, wearing nothing but a halo. She looks almost exactly the same today, with a few extra nips and tucks. HEATHER Can you believe that was me? TOM Before we knew it, we created the most popular men's magazine in the entire nation. The rest is history. HEATHER So here we are. Dead. But we never want you to want for anything. That is, we want you to have everything. TOM Everything. Heather leans forward and blows a kiss into the camera. Her strongest assets spilling forward. HEATHER We love you, Ted. We always did. We always will. Charlie's practically slobbering. He elbows Ted. CHARLIE I can't believe that's your mother. We're talking babe-a-licious chub fest, right here in the 501's. TED Perv. At that moment, the doors burst open. WILLIAM G. DEEDS (UNCLE BILLY) sails into the room. Handsome in an unconventional way, he exudes passion and eccentricity. UNCLE BILLY I'm so terribly sorry. Am I too late? ZUKERMAN Ah, Mr. Deeds. You're just in time to congratulate your nephew. He inherited the empire. UNCLE BILLY (a broad smile) Every morsel of it? ZUKERMAN It would appear so. Uncle Billy hugs Ted with great enthusiasm. UNCLE BILLY Smashing! Welcome to the family, Ted. You are going to breathe some new life into this place. You are going to set the world on fire! You are going to...call me Uncle Billy? Please? TED (awkwardly) Uh, sure. Uncle Billy. UNCLE BILLY I have only one concern... Ted waits. Swept up by Uncle Billy's spirit. UNCLE BILLY (CONT'D) You do like girls, don't you? TED Of course I like girls. UNCLE BILLY A lot? I mean, a whole lot? TED As much as possible. UNCLE BILLY You're sure? CHARLIE (to the rescue) He likes them with the unbridled enthusiasm of a seventeen-year-old virgin who's been making mental beef jerky since he saw the bevy of tender young skirt steaks at his new hacienda. Uncle Billy grins broadly. UNCLE BILLY That's my boy! INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY Uncle Billy leads Ted and Charlie through the cavernous room. Sexy, semi-clad oil paintings of Ted's biological mother adorn the walls. UNCLE BILLY The parties are held in here when the weather dips below seventy. Which is seldom. TED Seldom? No kidding? CHARLIE You said parties but you meant ORGIES, right? (to Ted; quietly) Stick with me. I know their codes. Uncle Billy winks at Ted. UNCLE BILLY The orgies, exactly. Take a deep breath. You can smell it. Pure sexuality, oozing from the walls. Charlie takes a deep breath. Uncle Billy and Ted share a conspiratorial smirk. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - GAME ROOM - DAY The epitome of every boy's dream arcade. Everything from classic pinball machines to the most high tech virtual reality game that has yet to hit the market. Charlie shakes his head in amazement. CHARLIE Naked girls, wild sex, video games. No wonder it's called "Heaven." UNCLE BILLY This is a fun place...but we don't usually come here until after the orgies. TED (playing along) Ah, in other words, this is the apres-orgy salon? UNCLE BILLY Indeed it is. During the day, visitors prefer to be outside, au naturel. As it were. Charlie continues to gawk. Ted's equally impressed but holding it together. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - SWIMMING ROOM - DAY Uncle Billy leads Ted and Charlie by the indoor pool which is decorated like a tropical pond, complete with exotic vegetation, lava rocks, and a waterfall. They pass through a cave-like entrance and find themselves... EXT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - SWIMMING POOL - DAY ...coming out by another spectacular waterfall. Which separates the indoor and outdoor pools. Numerous BEAUTIFUL WOMEN swim, chat, play water polo. Some topless, some might as well be. The boys watch in awe as one woman rubs lotion on another woman's back. UNCLE BILLY Hello, girls! Have you met Ted? The women wave, ad-libbing warm greetings. Charlie leans towards Ted, confiding... CHARLIE This is like my every wet dream come true. I don't even care that you're here, too, bro. TED Be cool. Fake it if you have to. UNCLE BILLY Good advice, Ted. You have your father's instincts. "His father." The words sound so strange. He never even met the guy. UNCLE BILLY (CONT'D) Just remember, you're not the man you were a day ago. And these girls, let's just say they'd be eager to please you. Ted gulps. It's hard to believe this is real. CHARLIE I wonder how many of them will be at the orgy tonight? TED This isn't some 80's porno film, you dip shit. There are no wild sex orgies. CHARLIE Oh. Well. Maybe not yet. TED Not ever. Never. UNCLE BILLY Never say never. CHARLIE Oh, god. Look. Look. Ted looks. A beautiful woman sensuously rubs tanning lotion over her OWN breasts. The boys stare, riveted. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree. Uncle Billy grins. UNCLE BILLY Maybe she needs help, Ted. You should be a gentleman. TED (voice cracking) I...uh...I think she's doing fine on her own. CHARLIE (having a moment) Oh baby, yes, yes, yes. Fuck me like you mean it. Ted elbows Charlie out of his fantasy. TED You kiss your mother with that mouth? CHARLIE I'd kiss your mother with this mouth. I mean, if she wasn't, you know... He means dead. TED So far away? In Xenia? CHARLIE Yeah, whatever. INT. THE NELSON HOME - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Mom waits nervously for the phone to ring. MOM Teddy? Is that you? Dad hurries out of the bathroom, hiking up his pajamas. Mom speaks loudly, as if Ted's in Siberia. MOM (CONT'D) How are you, baby? Are you all right? INTERCUT WITH: INT. TED'S BEDROOM - "HEAVEN" MANSION - NIGHT A palatial suite. Very Louis XIV. Ted throws a sheet over a nude sculpture of his biological mother. While holding a cordless phone in the crook of his neck. TED I'm all right, Mom. I'm not in Siberia, you know. MOM Did you have a nice flight? Are they taking good care of you? TED Yeah, I'm doing fine. I have so much to tell you. I don't even know where to begin. MOM Save it, honey. We want to hear every detail when you get back, but we don't want you to run up Mr. Zukerman's phone bill. TED It's okay, Mom. Trust me. Mom hands Dad the phone. DAD Ted, it's your dad. I have a question for you. I don't know how to put it tactfully. You know I'm lousy with words. TED Just say it, Dad. DAD I know they were simple people, but did this trip help your college fund at all? TED Dad, let's just say I can buy anything I want in the whole bookstore. Including the bookstore. DAD (not getting it) Well, good. Every little bit helps. Suddenly, Charlie bursts into the room with a pair of binoculars. CHARLIE Check this out. Hurry! TED I better go, Dad. DAD We'll see you soon. Have fun in... (trying to be hip) ...the land of fruits and nuts. INT. TED'S BEDROOM - "HEAVEN" MANSION - NIGHT Charlie flips off the light switch and whispers... CHARLIE Hurry. TED (to Charlie) What is it now? CHARLIE Check it out! Charlie shoves the binoculars at Ted and guides him toward the window which overlooks the outdoor pool. TED Don't tell me. Another vision of incomparable beauty? CHARLIE Beauty? No. We're talking GODDESS. TED'S POV THROUGH BINOCULARS A devastatingly PERFECT WOMAN, GINGER, "Miss April," emerges from the pool, wearing nothing but a g-string. Her skin shimmers from the reflection of the pool lights. Rivulets of water stream down her body. She reaches for a towel and pats her body dry. An incredible aura seems to surround her. Separating her from the other spectacular beauties we've seen already. Ted lowers the binoculars. Entranced. TED I get it now. You and me. We're dead. CHARLIE Dead? TED Our plane crashed. In the Grand Canyon. A big fiery explosion. We never made it to L.A. They needed dental records to identify us. And this place. This. Actually. Is. Heaven. CHARLIE Then there must be a whole room, made completely of chocolate. TED And some really fast cars. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - NIGHT Ted and Charlie move like thieves in the night. CHARLIE Don't be such a pansy. All of this is YOURS. TED It's a lot to digest. Imagine how you'd feel. CHARLIE I'd feel like staying up all night! Forever! Or at least till I got the LAY of the land, SO TO SPEAK. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Ted and Charlie enter. Flip the light switch. It was his parents' very opulent bedroom. Complete with more risqué paintings of Ted's biological mother. TED I feel like I'm entering a forbidden tomb... CHARLIE ...where they get all the really good porno channels on cable. Charlie pulls open a dresser drawer filled with Ted's mother's lingerie. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Cha-ching. Jackpot. Charlie caresses a pair of red silk panties and inhales their powdery fragrance. TED Oh, how inappropriate is that! CHARLIE Take a whiff of heaven. TED How would you like it if I did that to your mother's panties? CHARLIE I'd call you a sick, twisted fuck. But this is different. She wasn't your mother mother-- TED Give me those! Ted grabs the panties just as Charlie pulls away, ripping them in half. Just then the door opens to reveal a very proper ENGLISH BUTLER. BUTLER I do apologize, sir. I heard a noise. Ted and Charlie awkwardly hide the panty halves behind their backs. TED We were just-- BUTLER --I completely understand, sir. I'll leave you to your business. Good night. The Butler leaves. Ted glares at Charlie. Who shrugs. CHARLIE A couple of boys fighting over a pair of red silk panties is nothing compared to what he's seen. TED (sarcastic) Yeah, he's probably been serving cocktails, SO TO SPEAK, at the orgies. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - GARAGE - THE NEXT MORNING The garage is crowded with two dozen sporty classics. Ted runs his hands over the hood of a red Ferrari 575M Maranello. He pulls the door open and slides into the leather seat. GINGER (O.S.) Wanna take me for a ride? Ted turns around and spots Ginger, the goddess from the pool, making her way towards him. He gulps. TED I-I don't have the keys. GINGER They're in the ignition, silly. Ted glances down. There they are. She hops in next to him. He doesn't know what to do. GINGER (CONT'D) You do know how to drive? TED I don't have much experience with a...uh...stick. GINGER Want a lesson? Ted blushes. He needs a lot of lessons. GINGER (CONT'D) Press your left foot on the clutch. And turn the key. The Ferrari growls to life. Ginger places her hand over Ted's. GINGER (CONT'D) Now release the brake. And slide the stick into first gear. TED Got it. Ginger moves her slender fingers on his knees. Showing him how it's done. GINGER Now very carefully apply some pressure to the gas pedal with your right foot as you release the clutch with your left. She squeezes his thigh and winks. EXT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - GARAGE - DAY The Ferrari jerks out of the garage and promptly stalls. Ginger giggles. Could Ted be MORE embarrassed? GINGER The first time can be awkward. You just have to get on and try again. TED I don't even know if I should be doing this. It's a very expensive car. GINGER It's your car. These are all your cars. TED Some of them have to be automatics. GINGER Your father liked shifting. He said it brought him closer to the engine. "Like a woman, purring with ecstasy." Ted feels his temperature rising. He changes the subject. TED I'm Ted, by the way. I think I forgot to say that. GINGER I know. I'm Ginger. Miss April. TED The one with the horses. GINGER That's me. TED I almost didn't recognize you without...you know...that stallion between...your...uh...legs. Ginger blushes. TED (CONT'D) That sounded so much better in my head. Ginger GIGGLES. Ted tries to hide behind his less than cool shades. Ginger notices. GINGER Hey, Ted. Wanna go shopping? TED Shopping, really? I should tell my friend. GINGER Don't worry. He found the chocolate room. TED (big grin) Hi ho, Silver. He puts the car in gear. The tires scream as they take off. Gears grind as he shifts. Not exactly purring with ecstasy. Yet. EXT. BEVERLY HILLS - DAY The Ferrari negotiates its way along Rodeo Drive. Ted seems to have gotten the hang of it. Tourists stare. One snaps a photo. Ted pulls up to...and then over...the curb. Well, he almost has the hang of it. INT. CLOTHING STORE - DAY Ted emerges from a dressing room. Slowly starting to lose his boy-from-Xenia taint. He glances at the price tag, dangling from his sleeve. His eyes widen. Ginger strokes his arm. Whispers seductively in his ear. GINGER Your father always said, "Money matters only to the man who doesn't have it." Ted listens. Trying to learn. INT. A CHIC EYEWEAR BOUTIQUE - DAY Ted tries on some snazzy sunglasses. Ginger approves. Ted still checks the price tag. TED Sorry, habit. Ginger looks into his eyes. As if she can see his soul. GINGER Who exactly ARE you? TED (uncomfortable) What do you mean? I'm Ted Nelson. GINGER And who IS Ted Nelson? Ted's not sure how to respond. He smiles awkwardly. GINGER (CONT'D) Is he a small town boy, destined to live an ordinary life with an ordinary wife and a tiny house with a boring old white picket fence? The hamburger life. Now he can defy it. GINGER (CONT'D) Or do you have a taste for the good life, Ted? It's in your blood. TED I always knew there was more. I felt it. GINGER Then remember, you are the heir to a billion dollar empire. You have a staff of literally thousands. Multiply everything you ever imagined by a million and you still can't even wrap your head around everything that is yours. ALL YOURS. Ted slides on the shades. Slowly, purposefully. He grins at the SALES CLERK... TED I'll take the whole case. INT. "HEAVEN" HEADQUARTERS - DAY Ted, Charlie, Helen, and Uncle Billy walk past GRAPHIC DESIGNERS in cubicles as Helen leads a tour of the "Heaven" magazine offices. As they pass each cubicle, HEADS pop up to check them out. "HEAVEN" WAR ROOM POLAROIDS OF NAKED WOMEN cover every square inch of wall space. Ted and Charlie gawk. Who can blame them? UNCLE BILLY Every one of these women thinks she should be the next Angel of the Month. It's your job, Ted, to decide which of them is right. CHARLIE Let me get this straight... UNCLE BILLY If it isn't straight by now, son, you probably should see a doctor. CHARLIE These are real, live women? UNCLE BILLY (winking at Ted) We don't generally feature blow-up dolls in our magazine. But hey, if you think there's a market for it. CHARLIE God, I love being dead. Ted focuses on one particular picture. He removes the push pin that holds it to the wall. TED I like her. We can see the concerned look on Helen's face. Does this kid have any taste at all? HELEN (relieved) Nice choice. There's only one problem. She shows Uncle Billy. UNCLE BILLY You think she upgraded? HELEN They went in through the belly button. Uncle Billy nods. He explains gently... UNCLE BILLY We don't allow TIPN, Ted. TED Tipping? HELEN TIPN. Tattoos, implants, piercings, nose jobs. Our angels must be pure, unadultered, completely natural. Ted looks at the walls again. Carefully. He has a knack for this. He hands a picture to Helen. She turns to Uncle Billy and smiles. HELEN (CONT'D) (emotional) You have your father's eye. His father. He just can't get used to that. Who was this guy? INT. MASTER BEDROOM CLOSET - "HEAVEN" MANSION - NIGHT Ted looks at the impressive collection of suits. Runs his hands along the fabrics. Picks a particularly stylish jacket and tries it on. It fits poorly. Too big in the chest and shoulders. Ted looks at himself in the full-length mirror. He's not half the man his father was. Suddenly there's a KNOCK on the door. Ted quickly takes off his father's jacket and puts on his own. He lets Uncle Billy in. LOUD PARTY SOUNDS momentarily pour into the room. UNCLE BILLY There you are, Ted-baby. Everything all right? TED Yeah. Everything's cool. Ted's struggling with a silk tie. Uncle Billy helps him. UNCLE BILLY You ready for your big coming out party? Everybody's dying to meet you. TED Just a couple of finishing touches. My parents always said you never get a second chance to make a good first impression. UNCLE BILLY (puzzled) They said that? Really? (realizing) Oh, your parents. The Nelson's. Right, right. How midwest. I like that. Ted wipes his palms on his slacks. Confiding... TED Truth is, I'm a little nervous. UNCLE BILLY YOU? Nervous? Why on earth should you be nervous? TED All those people out there. It's a lot of pressure. UNCLE BILLY Huh! You laugh in the face of pressure! TED I do? UNCLE BILLY You are a multi-media magnate. The Tycoon of Tits. The Baron of Bottoms. Ted chuckles. Uncle Billy's calming him... UNCLE BILLY CONT'D) You are the Emperor of every little girl who dreamed of growing up to see her naughty bits spread eagle, airbrushed to glossy perfection, with staples through her ass. Uncle Billy rubs his shoulders. As if pep-talking him for a big fight. UNCLE BILLY You're the Sultan of Semen. The Monarch of Masturbation. The Merchant Prince of Lust. You. Ted. Are the King of Coitus. TED Me? The King of Coitus? UNCLE BILLY The Supreme Sovereign of Sexuality. TED Whoa. But...that's the thing... (he whispers) I've never even actually... UNCLE BILLY (interrupting) Why, look who's here. Uncle Billy swings the door open to reveal. KIKI and KELLY. Tall, beautiful, leggy IDENTICAL TWINS. They smile warmly at Ted, each offering an arm. Ted holds his head high. Like the Sovereign of Sexuality. LONG DRAMATIC STAIRCASE With the twins on either side of him, Ted struts down the stairs and into a sea of people. All so eager to meet him. Ted acts as if he's been doing this all his life. TED (sotto) The Potentate of Poon has arrived. And instantly, he's surrounded. People shake his hands. Women kiss his cheeks. Athletes, movie stars, models. Charlie watches, beaming proudly. DANCE FLOOR - LATER Charlie thinks he's Travolta. Dressed for disco. Twirling a Super Model. Ted dances among a dozen BEAUTIES. They steal kisses and hugs, here and there. A thousand Cinderellas, all after one Prince Charming. Ted's having the time of his life. Charlie dances up to him. Shouting in his ear... CHARLIE Ain't life amazing? A week ago, you couldn't get to second base! Now you OWN second base! They high-five one another. An EXOTIC BEAUTY grabs Ted and starts dirty dancing. Rubbing herself against him. Ted's clueless. So he improvises. People cheer him on. He thrusts his pelvis. Feigns various sex acts. Hilarious, goofy, but it works. EXT. JACUZZI - NIGHT The party's over. Ted relaxes in the Jacuzzi, sipping champagne. Thrilled, elated, blasted. Uncle Billy sits across from him. Two MASSEUSES tenderize their shoulders. But as the scene continues the women take an even greater interest in each other. Stealing a kiss here. A touch there. Ted attention is distracted as he chats with Uncle Billy. UNCLE BILLY I told you you could do it. TED I was like a different person tonight. UNCLE BILLY You were the new and improved you. TED I would have been laughed right out of Xenia. UNCLE BILLY No one will be laughing at you now, Ted. You can take that to the bank. TED It's really going to be strange going home in a couple of days. UNCLE BILLY You ARE home. But go ahead, finish school, do what you feel you need to do. In the meantime, I'll be your point person here on the magazine. TED Really? You'd do that for me? UNCLE BILLY I've been very lazy for a long, long time. TED You seem like you're anything but lazy, Uncle Billy. UNCLE BILLY (confiding) I never finished school myself. Never had to. My brother built this empire from nothing but his wife's perky tits and a whole lot of gumption. He gave me a cushy job on a silver platter. I never struggled for a second. TED My parents always say hard work builds character. UNCLE BILLY It's not like I didn't have ideas, I had plenty of ideas. But I never even shared them with your father. Never had the guts. TED What kind of ideas? UNCLE BILLY Well...for one thing...I think it's despicable that we exclude so many women that only fit our western notion of "classic beauty." TED You think we should be more open minded? UNCLE BILLY The world is a big, beautiful place. We can open new markets in Africa and Asia. Imagine the Dali Lhama reading our magazine. TED In other words, our scope is too narrow. UNCLE BILLY At our press conference tomorrow, I think we should announce our plans to explore the world. Not just a few leggy 36D's, with blond hair upstairs and down. TED That's perfect. The Masseuses help Uncle Billy out of the Jacuzzi. They say their goodnights and Ted closes his eyes. When he opens them, Ginger stands at the edge of the tub. GINGER Want some company? Ted can barely nod. She unzips the back of her dress and lets it fall to her feet. The silhouette of her nude body is startlingly gorgeous in the moonlight. Ted watches as she descends, step by step, into the frothy water. Ted's paralyzed with desire and fear. Ginger descends deeper. A wash of foam caresses her breasts. She continues. Until she's completely submerged. Ted looks startled. The "Jaws" theme echoes through his ears. He starts to rise. Concerned. When suddenly, he feels something. Whoa! His swimming trunks land next to him. He starts to rise out of the Jacuzzi, when suddenly he's sucked under. He thrashes. His hand grabs the edge of the Jacuzzi. But his fingers give out. And he slides under. Only to rise out of the water with Ginger. Attached to his lips. Kissing him passionately. DISSOLVE TO: INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - TED'S BEDROOM - MORNING Ted and Ginger in bed. Morning rays, satin sheets, what a night. Ted awakens. He stares at Ginger in awe, remembering what happened. Smiles big. Ted slides out of bed. Catches his reflection in the mirror. Takes a good look at himself. TED (posing; cool) Who's your daddy? INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - DAY Press Conference. Lights, cameras, reporters, bedlam. Uncle Billy, Helen, and Ted sit at a makeshift dais. UNCLE BILLY ...My brilliant, extraordinary nephew, Ted Nelson, has brought enough fresh blood to this company to make all of Transylvania happy for the next fifty or sixty years. I'll give him the mike now and you'll see what I mean. This apple didn't fall far from the tree. Ted prepares to speak. A little nervous from the spotlights, but hell, he's a man now. Uncle Billy gives him a reassuring look. UNCLE BILLY (CONT'D) (whispering) Don't forget to tell them all your qualifications. TED I'm Ted Nelson. I guess you already know that part. (proud of himself) For two years I've been the editor of the high school paper in Xenia, Ohio. I've won some awards, made a difference. I've always had journalism in my soul. Now I know why. He glances at Uncle Billy, who urges him to tell more. TED (CONT'D) They tell me I've got my father's taste in women and cars. (winking) The faster, the better. CHUCKLES from the crowd. Uncle Billy gives him a "thumb's up" sign. TED (CONT'D) And I'm really looking forward to the challenge of bringing "Heaven" magazine into the 21st century. INT. CHRISTY MALONE'S BATHROOM - SAME In the middle of waxing her bikini line, Christy jumps up and down excitedly. CHRISTY He asked me to the prom! ME! We're practically engaged! INT. JULIE CONROY'S BEDROOM - SAME Julie watches TV. Stunned. JULIE He reinvented himself into a dick. INT. PRINCIPAL MERKIN'S DEN - SAME Principal Merkin watches TV. Simmering. PRINCIPAL MERKIN You don't even have your high school diploma yet, Mr. Nelson. I'm still the boss of you. INT. NELSON FAMILY ROOM - SAME Ted's parents and little Jimmy stare in amazement at their old-fashioned console RCA. A geeky high school picture of Ted appears on screen, as a REPORTER babbles... BABBLING REPORTER (ON TV) The big question now remains: Will success spoil Ted Nelson, the straight-A journalism student from Xenia, Ohio, whose life was transformed overnight when he found out he was rich, powerful, and certainly the most eligible bachelor in the entire nation? MOM (shocked) Our Teddy inherited "Heaven?" DAD He said he was set for book money. Jimmy turns to his parents. JIMMY Mom, Dad. Forget about roller blades for my birthday. I'd prefer a DNA test. Can you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not, for example, a Guccione? The door bell CHIMES. Mom and Dad look at each other. This can't be good. ENTRY WAY Dad opens the front door to reveal a delivery man, holding a flashy new bike. DELIVERYMAN Delivery for Jimmy Nelson. EXT. NELSON HOUSE - DAY Jimmy squeezes past Dad and jumps on the bike as Mom appears in the doorway. MOM My goodness, who sent this? DELIVERY MAN It's from "Heaven," ma'am. DAD Ted. Of course. JIMMY (riding around) I love you, Ted! MOM We can't accept it. It's much too expensive. Right, dear? DAD Of course, dumpling. Its very nice of Ted but... At that moment, ANOTHER DELIVERY MAN and his HELPER unload a large crate from another truck. They approach Dad and Mom. DELIVERY MAN #2 Delivery for Robert Nelson. DAD For me? What is it? DELIVERY MAN #2 Appears to be tools, sir. MOM Oh, no. Ted's gone completely overboard. Dad approaches the crate as the Delivery Man opens it to reveal a large scarlet and gray case of tools. Dad opens one of the drawers. Runs his fingers over the shiny instruments. Tears in his eyes. MOM (CONT'D) Sweetheart, what is it? DAD I always wanted Craftsman tools. He even got me the limited edition Buckeye colors. MOM Oh, honey. We can't accept this extravagance. Another delivery truck arrives. Then the local news vans. Neighbors rush out of their houses. The phone RINGS. Mom dashes inside. INT. THE NELSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Mom grabs the phone. MOM Teddy? Is that you? INTERCUT WITH: INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - TED'S ROOM - DAY Ted wears a cordless headset phone, as if he was born with it. As he talks, he flexes his muscles in front of a full length mirror. TED Well? Surprised? MOM What is all this? When are you coming home? TED Just a few tokens of my affection. I'll be back soon, don't worry. MOM Everything is lovely, Ted, but much too expensive. TED Mom. Believe me. I could buy all that AND the factories they came from. Mom looks up as ANOTHER DELIVERY MAN wheels a washing machine and dryer into the house. DELIVERY MAN #3 Where do you want them, lady? Mom's eyes light up. MOM Oh, good lord. Are those Neptunes? TED Only the best for my mother. MOM (softening) You promise you'll finish school? TED I'll make you very proud. EXT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING A beautiful spring morning. Cars pull into the school parking lot. Students mingle in small groups. Making their way into the building. A group of GUYS look up. Suddenly, a helicopter swooshes through the air, circling the school as if to get everyone's attention, then landing on a grassy knoll. The helicopter is painted heavenly blue with a pattern of white billowy clouds. The door slides open and out hops Ted. In SLOW-MO. Looking seriously cool from the tips of his silver toed boots to his stylish Persol shades. Until he takes a second step and stumbles slightly, catching himself from falling face first into the grass. Charlie is right behind him. Looking great, too, but vaguely Mafioso in his efforts to be hip. He turns to the beautiful blonde PILOT and plants a big wet kiss for everyone to see. Ted and Charlie strut towards the school as Principal Merkin bursts through the front doors, shouting... PRINCIPAL MERKIN You cannot land a helicopter in my school yard! Get that blasted thing out of here! Ted raises his hand. The chopper rises as if on cue. Without a word, Ted and Charlie pass the ruffled Principal Merkin and strut toward the entrance. Classmates surround Ted. Congratulating him. Everyone wanting to be Ted's new best friend. Julie walks up to Charlie. JULIE What gives, Don Corleone? CHARLIE (smug) We reinvented ourselves. JULIE New Hushpuppies don't make a new man. CHARLIE You've obviously never had your dogs nestled in thousand dollar Italian loafers. JULIE That explains the emptiness that haunts me. CHARLIE Jealousy is so unattractive. Ted makes eye contact with Julie. Winking like he's Don Juan. She just stares at him, blankly. JULIE Second only to unfettered arrogance and the inability to see the irony therein. Charlie's baffled by that one. CHARLIE Wanna see my hickey from Miss December? Julie groans. INT. PRINCIPAL MERKIN'S OFFICE - DAY Principal Merkin paces dramatically... PRINCIPAL MERKIN I like you, Ted. You know that. I liked you before you were filthy rich. TED Thanks, Principal Merkin. PRINCIPAL MERKIN I'll be blunt. I know you can take it. TED Yes, sir. I'll brace myself. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Ted, you are the best editor this school paper ever had. You don't need to be pandering flesh. It's nonsense. It's beneath you. TED You think I ought to just tell them thanks but no thanks? I don't want your silly billion dollar empire? PRINCIPAL MERKIN That's a good start, yes. A very good start. TED Are you kidding? This magazine is my dream. It's every red-blooded, heterosexual male's dream. PRINCIPAL MERKIN I never figured you for a pimp. TED Have you ever even looked at "Heaven?" PRINCIPAL MERKIN What kind of sick question is that? I'll be watching you, young man. Your money and power mean nothing here. Nothing. TED I guess you won't be wanting that Rolex I sent you, then? Principal Merkin opens his desk drawer sheepishly. Caresses the watch. It kills him to return it. PRINCIPAL MERKIN No. No, I won't. Thank you. For reminding me. INT. NEWSROOM - DAY Flurry of activity. Ted on his cell phone. Julie types furiously. Taking her job very seriously. Christy Malone props one leg against the wall. Demonstrating those contortionist warm-up moves that drove Ted mad with desire. CHRISTY Great jacket, Teddy Bear. TED (hanging up phone) Yeah? You like? CHRISTY Makes your shoulders look so big and broad. JULIE A few billion bucks and suddenly he's Cro-Magnon Man of the Year. TED It's so nice to have FRIENDS like you, Christy. Christy pouts. Wishing she never said the "F" word. Julie snickers. Ted takes Julie's arm and guides her to a private spot in the corner. JULIE What is it, William Randolph? Your balls need scratching? TED Your article sucked. JULIE In what sense? TED In the sense that there is no "hidden agenda" behind a bake sale that raised five hundred dollars for seeing eye dogs. JULIE Ah ha! It was so well hidden, you didn't even know it was there. TED Come on, Julie. Don't screw up. You have some real talent. JULIE Just because someone died and made you king of the publishing world doesn't mean you're even one ounce smarter than you were a week ago. TED I'm trying to help. JULIE I'm still better than you. Nothing changed except the decimal point in your savings account. TED That's not ENTIRELY true. Julie snaps her fingers, as if trying to remember... JULIE Oh, right. You're probably not a virgin anymore. But as far as being a hack, that much is status quo. Ted fumes. She really knows how to push his buttons. TED What do you want from me? I'm trying to be fair. But I can't keep you on staff if you turn every PTA meeting into an Agent Orange cover up. JULIE Then I'll write about YOU. TED Me? JULIE "Local boy inherits more money than god." Call me crazy, but I smell human interest. TED (loving this) Really? You wanna write about me? INT. NELSON DINING ROOM - DAY A world class CHEF and his SOUS CHEF serve the Nelson's a filet mignon dinner. Mom, Dad, Jimmy, Ted, and Julie, sit at the table. Set with the finest china. The most elegant linens. A fresh floral arrangement. The best of everything. Everyone waits for Mom as she takes her first bite. MOM Goodness...it's delicious. I've never tasted anything so tender. The rest of them dig in. DAD Beats the heck out of meatloaf. (off Mom's look) Although your meatloaf is second to none, love muffin. Jimmy's eyes widen as he chews. JIMMY Mom, Dad. My trembling taste buds have just been assailed by the bittersweet knowledge of all they've been missing these past nine years. The chef turns to Julie... JULIE No offense, Wolfgang Puck, but dead flesh is dead flesh. This just happens to be better than most dead flesh on the planet. And finally, the Chef waits for Ted... TED Absolutely...heavenly. The Chef wipes a bead of sweat from his brow. Approval, at last, from the only opinion that mattered. CHEF Why, thank you, sir. Thank you. JIMMY Ted has bettered our lives to the point where I can no longer see myself as "the old Jimmy" I was but a day or two past. You may all call me James. From this moment forward. TED Finally, some gratitude. DAD We're grateful, Ted. It's not that. Those Craftsman tools...they're a dream come true. MOM Your Dad and I were raised with a certain work ethic, that's all. Julie listens closely, admiring Ted's parents. DAD We can't start living like we're the Rockerfellers or something. JIMMY Mom, Dad. The Rockerfellers are paupers compared to my favorite brother, Ted. TED You don't have to work another day in your lives. MOM But how would we pay our bills? DAD We just barely have enough for your college tuition, son. Ted's frustration mounts. TED Don't you get it? In one day I earn more interest than the store's entire annual revenue. MOM Oh. Goodness. TED You're free. You can do anything you ever wanted to do! MOM (after a beat) Like what? TED Like take that trip to Buckingham Palace. Go deep sea fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Now's your chance. DAD But those are our dreams, son. We have to make them come true. TED Consider me your fairy godfather, except without the fairy part. No more mealy apples and bruised bananas, ever, for the rest of your lives. MOM But who would run the store? TED Forget the store. Think big. Dad looks at Mom. Forget the store. That stings. DAD Ted, we put a lot of love in our business. MOM We wanted you and Jimmy to have it someday. Something real and honest. DAD We love our lives just the way they are. Disappointed, disgusted, Ted looks to Julie for support. Tears fill her eyes. Mom and Dad moved her. Ted shrugs and digs into his food. EXT. ABOVE THE CLOUDS - DAY A heavenly blue jet with billowy white clouds soars through the sky. INT. THE "HEAVEN" JET - DAY Beyond first class; the ultimate in posh. Charlie sweet-talks a sexy FLIGHT ATTENDANT. CHARLIE Call me Charlie. I'm a photographer for "Heaven" magazine. And a very cunning linguist. The Flight Attendant pulls him toward the washroom, quickly. Julie interviews Ted, complete with tape recorder. TED I have to admit, I always felt... different. JULIE Different how? Different like a dwarf at a basketball game? Or different like a lesbian in pumps? TED I don't get the distinction. JULIE Could everybody else tell you were different, or were you the only one who knew? TED I felt limited. I felt confined. I felt like I was suffocating. JULIE I see. So more like a tight rope walker who secretly wants to be a trapeze artist. TED I guess. JULIE Interesting. Another FLIGHT ATTENDANT approaches... FLIGHT ATTENDANT Warm peanuts? TED No thanks. I prefer my penis at room temperature. JULIE She said peanuts, you cretin. TED You never know around here. Julie raises her eyebrows. Taking notes. TED (CONT'D) Don't write that part. JULIE Is this an gritty exposé or a candy ass press release? TED Write what you want. Just try not to make it so obvious that you're crazy about me. JULIE (amused) Life must be peachy on Planet Ted. TED Funny you should say "peachy." JULIE I did my homework. Your grandfather was a peach farmer. TED My adoptive grandfather. Who knows what my biological grandfather did. JULIE Undoubtedly an aristocratic bartender of some sort. Ted loves her spunk. And the chemistry between them. TED Considering this is your first time on a private jet, on which you are interviewing the world's most eligible bachelor, you are extremely cavalier. JULIE I bet there are lots and lots of mirrors on Planet Ted. TED See? You're impertinent, rude, sarcastic. JULIE And this is not my first time on a private jet, so quit acting like I'm Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. TED A little respect would be nice, that's all. Julie snickers. JULIE Money can't buy respect, Ted. Saying what you mean. Meaning what you say. Being an honorable person. That's how you earn respect. INT. GREEN ROOM - DAY Ted waits for his appearance on "The Tonight Show." Ginger smooths out the imaginary creases in Ted's Armani jacket. GINGER Great jacket, Teddy. It makes your shoulders look so big and broad. Julie rolls her eyes. Here we go again. Uncle Billy and Helen look on approvingly. UNCLE BILLY You do look smashing. HELEN Positively dashing. CHARLIE Sharp as a mashed potato sandwich. Ted fake-guffaws. Charlie is quickly distracted by the relish tray. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Oh wow, look...they've even got baby gherkins! GINGER I have an idea! I'll be right back! And she dashes out the door. Ted leans towards Julie, who quietly observes everything. TED Well? What do you think of her? JULIE You're so twitterpated you don't even see the miner's hat and the pickax. TED You're implying she's, what, a gold digger? Julie shrugs. Isn't it obvious? TED (CONT'D) Charlie's right. Jealousy is so unattractive. JULIE Second only to unbridled, narcissistic conceit. TED (whining) Why can't you be nice to me? JULIE You've got enough people kissing your ass. Ginger returns with a rose. GINGER Here you go, cutie patootie. Rich guys always wear flowers. Julie gives Ted a look. See what I mean. INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - DAY Jay Leno seems charmed. Ted behaves as if he does this every day. The rose from Ginger is pinned to his lapel. JAY How are the hometown folks treating you, back in Xenia? TED Well, Jay. They've been exceptionally supportive. JAY Are they hitting you up for donations? Asking you to sponsor the local quilting bee? Audience LAUGHS. TED I'm no stranger to the notion of philanthropy. Andrew Carnegie has long been one of my idols. JAY What about the future? You planning to rock the boat at all? Stir things up in "Heaven?" Ted's so smooth. We know it's still HIM under all that Armani, but it sure does make him LOOK different. TED Matter of fact, Jay, my uncle and I are planning to rethink the magazine. To expand the traditional western notions of "beauty." JAY I see, so you'd be open to little ladies from Pasadena, who want to show you their knickers? TED Matter of fact, Jay, I'm planning a pictorial focusing on the women of my hometown, "The Girls of Xenia." Just to show my appreciation. OFF IN THE WINGS Julie looks thoroughly disgusted. JULIE The Girls of Xenia? Jesus. BACK TO STAGE JAY Now you're talking. What did Andrew Carnegie ever do? Open a couple of libraries? BOR-ING. INT. PRINCIPAL MERKIN'S KITCHEN - MORNING A Cocker Spaniel, POOCHIE, sits under a breakfast table, holding a newspaper in his snout. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (O.S.) Poochie? Where's my poochie? Where is s