*** Who's Your Daddy by Maria Veltre and Jack Sekowski *** --- Script compliments of http://www.cvisual.com -- --> Visit cvisual now for an interview with Jack Sekowski, free scrip ts, free script templates, Top Ten Short Film Tips, and other film material FADE IN: EXT. ABOVE THE CLOUDS - DAY We fly high above heavenly clouds. Beneath a brilliant blue sky. A TEENAGED BOY'S VOICE greets us... TED NELSON (V.O.) On any given day, your life can change in the blink of an eye. It's a cliché, I know... Descending through the clouds, we are caught for a moment in a dreamy gauze. We emerge to find ourselves gliding above a small town. Descending lower. And lower. To Xenia, Ohio. TED (V.O.) ...But a lot of clichés get to be clichés because they're true. Your life CAN change in the blink of an eye. What I mean is, one day you're a regular chump, a wannabe something. You're not even totally sure WHAT you wannabe... We pass over the town square. A fine spring day in middle America. Red brick buildings with names like "Miller & Son Drugs," "Two Sisters Gifts," "Nelson Family Market." You can almost smell the rosy cheeks and moral fiber. TED (V.O.) (CONT'D) ...The next day the doorbell rings and some stranger's holding your ticket to being SOMEBODY. Still flying over the town, we focus on a TEENAGED BOY on a Schwinn. We follow as he pedals his way to... TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL A three story building. Older, brick, sturdy. Meticulously maintained. TED (V.O.) It happens every day. Dreams come true. And not just for those dim witted chain-smoking hillbillies you see on TV. You know, the ones who win the Super Lotto and spend their fortune on a truck full of Goobers and a new set of front teeth. It could happen to any guy, any time...even ME. EXT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY A JANITOR raises the American flag. It flaps proudly as the teenager chains his bike to a bike rack. He glances up at the flag, which is reflected in his uber-hip sunglasses. When he smiles, in SLOW MO, his teeth seem to sparkle. TED (V.O.) Uh, that's not me. I'm over here. We SWISH PAN to another teenager, locking his bike. Meet our much less glamorous hero: TED NELSON, 17. A decent looking kid. Not hip enough to be cool. Not square enough to be tormented. He joins the other KIDS heading into the school. TED (V.O.) (CONT'D) You're disappointed, I know. I admit, I was hopeless back then. The 'do, the shades, ugh. But I always had good taste in women. INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY CHRISTY MALONE, 17, fills her cheerleader uniform in all the right places. We watch her at her locker. Also in SLOW MO. Which makes even her most mundane task seem graceful. Wow, just look at her stack those books. TED (V.O.) That's Christy Malone. Head cheerleader, love of my life, lust of my loins. Christy glances off screen and SQUEALS excitedly. Another cheerleader enters the frame, holding a newspaper called "EXPOSED!" Christy reads the headline. CHRISTY "Health Teacher Flunks Her Own Lesson!" No WAY! It's Miss Pratt, smoking a doobie! Christy calls to Ted.... CHRISTY (CONT'D) Look at this, Ted! Imagine if we did THIS in the school paper! She shows him "Exposed!" Ted gawks. Happy just to be this close to Christy. But they are quickly interrupted by... PRINCIPAL MERKIN (O.S.) Hand them over! Immediately! PRINCIPAL RICHARD MERKIN, mid-50's, marches down the hallway, seizing copies of "EXPOSED!" from students' hands. We can see that it is a "homemade" looking newspaper. And there's obviously much ado about it. Christy winks at Ted as she hides the newspaper in her locker. FREEZE FRAME ON Christy, WINKING. TED (V.O.) Look at that smile. That wink. That's no platonic wink. That's a wink that says, "I don't just want you, Ted. I NEED you." So of course I had to ask her to the prom. I mean, she was practically begging for it. INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - NEWSROOM - DAY Ted ambles toward Christy. Struggling for nonchalance. She limbers up by stretching her leg high against the wall. She whispers to another CHEERLEADER. They giggle. Then Christy turns to Ted. Flashing that perfect smile of hers. CHRISTY Just the guy I've been looking for. Ted wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans... TED I've been looking for you, too. Christy continues stretching. Driving Ted crazy with her contortionist moves. CHRISTY Wouldn't it be awesome if we were about to say the exact same thing? TED (sotto) From your lips, to God's ears. CHRISTY You go first. TED Ladies first. I insist. CHRISTY Well. The prom's coming up. TED Yeah? CHRISTY And I was wondering. TED Yeah? CHRISTY If you don't have...I mean... She looks up at him with gorgeous blue eyes. Then blurts... CHRISTY (CONT'D) Teddy? Would you please please please take me to the prom? TED SHUT UP! Are you serious? Of course I will...of course. Christy joyously jumps into Ted's arms. Wrapping her legs around him in a passionate embrace. The entire room APPLAUDS. CHRISTY You are the most wonderful guy in the whole wide world, and I love you madly, Teddy Nelson! And just as she's about to plant one right on his lips... SMASH CUT TO: INT. TED'S OFFICE - NEWSROOM - DAY The shrill ringing of a TORNADO DRILL ALARM snaps Ted out of his reverie. A large glass window separates Ted's EDITOR-IN CHIEF office from the rest of the school newsroom. We realize now that Ted has only been gazing through the window at Christy, watching her stretch those gorgeous limbs of hers. TED (V.O.) Sorry about that. A cheap trick, I know. But it's my story and my fantasy. So cut me some slack. He follows the other students to... INT. CORRIDOR - TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Ted joins his schoolmates, lining up on both sides of the hallway. Far from any windows. They all know the drill. Christy's just across the hall from Ted. He can't take his eyes off of her. CHARLIE DUKE, 17, approaches Ted. He's got a camera around his neck and so much confidence, it's a wonder he can balance his head on his shoulders. CHARLIE Come on, bro. Spare yourself the humiliation, the degradation... TED You and your pep talks. CHARLIE Don't get me wrong. We can salivate over all the Christy Malones of our lives. Wishing we could devour them like melt-in-your-mouth filet mignon. But we're strictly hamburger guys. Ground chuck, sixty eight percent lean, is about the best we can hope for. FREEZE FRAME ON CHARLIE. TED (V.O.) That's Charlie. My best friend. He's into beef analogies, partly because he's a butcher's son, and partly because, well, he's just into beef analogies. What can I say? He's also a photographer... INT. BASKETBALL COURT - TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Charlie kneels by the sidelines. Shooting cheerleaders with his Nikon and an obscenely long lens. TED (V.O.) ...a very gifted photographer. THROUGH CHARLIE'S LENS: A cheerleader's ripe buttocks, peeking out from beneath a short pleated skirt. As she kicks and jumps, her little red panties wedge themselves firmly between her cheeks. The camera skillfully tracks her movements, waiting until... The cheerleader's hand comes down. In SLOW MO, her finger slips under her panties and tugs on the fabric, pulling it over her cheeks. Charlie's motor drive whirls. RAPID STILL SHOTS OF THE CHEERLEADER'S BOTTOM TED (V.O.) The senior class voted him, "Most Likely To Have A Restraining Order Filed Against Him." But that's another story. BACK TO CORRIDOR Ted and Charlie lean against the wall. TED I genuinely think she wants me. I feel a vibe. CHARLIE That vibe is from your wrist, pal. You've been over-tenderizing your meat, again. Christy catches Ted's eye and smiles a perfect smile. TED See? Did you see that? CHARLIE She smiles at everyone, Ted. She's like a newborn with gas. Charlie secretly shows Ted a nudie magazine. "HEAVEN." A GORGEOUS WOMAN with perfect breasts graces the cover. A golden halo over her head. Charlie flips it open. Points to a picture. CHARLIE (CONT'D) The only chick more untouchable than Christy Malone is Miss April. (feminine voice) "Hi, my name's Ginger. I love tofu burgers, rainy nights, and riding bareback. My biggest turn-off is cell phones during sex." Here's a tip: set it on VIBRATE, honey, and don't be stingy with the lube. (winking at Ted) Don't knock it till you tried it. TED Were you always this sick? CHARLIE One thing for sure, Christy Malone ain't lookin THAT good naked. Ted takes a peek at Ginger. Then at Christy. TED Someday, I'll find out. CHARLIE You have a better chance of being hit by a Mack truck with a refrigerated cargo bed full of sirloin tip. Ted grabs the magazine and flips through more pages. Beautiful, naked women. Palm trees. Blue skies. Bubbling Jacuzzis. Red Ferraris. The stuff that fantasies are made of. Ted looks determined... TED I defy your hamburger theory of life, and all of the unfulfilled hopes and dreams it represents. CHARLIE That's crazy talk. TED I defy any and all limits. Charlie can see the look in Ted's eyes. He's about to do something bold and daring. Something he'll regret. CHARLIE Don't do it, Ted. Don't do it. TED (walking away; defiantly) Any time, any day, a man can completely reinvent himself. Ted starts to walk across the corridor, ignoring Charlie... CHARLIE I'm warning you. This is an official warning. Danger, Will Robinson, danger. A quietly attractive teenaged girl, JULIE CONROY, watches Ted. She seems concerned, too. TED (V.O.) There's one more person you should meet. Someone integral to my story. FREEZE FRAME ON JULIE. TED (V.O.) That's Julie Conroy. Unlike the rest of these losers, she didn't grow up in Xenia, Ohio. I just met her that day. But already, she had made a difference in my life. INT. TEACHER'S LOUNGE - TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY Teachers mill around. Chatting. Snacking on donuts, coffee. PRINCIPAL MERKIN bursts in, spilling a stack of "EXPOSED!" onto a table. Everyone freezes. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Oh, Miss Pratt, Miss Pratt! What were you thinking? How could you be so careless? (reading) "Exposing Hypocrisy in the Morons who Teach Us." That's the little bastard's motto! The teachers turn to MISS PRATT. We recognize her from the cover of "EXPOSED!" MISS PRATT (summoning courage) Principal Merkin, I realize we have to teach the children that recreational drugs are the devil's work, but that doesn't mean we don't dance with the Prince of Darkness ourselves, every now and again. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Ah, well, bravo! That's just what we'll tell the school board. Suddenly, an AIR VENT pops open and CRASHES on top of a coffee machine. THE WHOLE ROOM, IN SHOCKED SILENCE, turns to look at... JULIE, her head framed by the air duct. She holds a digital camera in her hand. Her expression says: "Oh, shit." Principal Merkin narrows his eyes at the "little bastard" who has been making his life hell. INT. TED'S OFFICE - NEWSROOM - DAY Julie sits in a chair in front of Ted's desk. She and Ted size up one another. TED (V.O.) Merk's punishment was cruel. Expulsion without appeal. Or working for me on the school paper. The school paper would be torture for a gonzo reporter like Julie and we both knew it. But what choice did she have? Julie leans back on the chair, rests her feet on Ted's files, and blows a huge bubble. JULIE So, William Randolph. Your last big scoop contrasted the popularity of Rice Crispie Treats and chocolate Snickerdoodles at the annual bake sale. TED That's just one example. My reporting has made a difference. JULIE Let me guess: retail sales of little chocolate sprinkles have gone through the roof! TED The school dumpsters used to overflow to the point where the stench was unbearable. My award winning exposé changed all that. The city added an extra weekday trash pick-up. Julie deadpans... JULIE Is it true? Is ignorance bliss? TED Look, I loved "Exposed!" and I hate it that you got busted. I know the school paper sucks in comparison, but it's really not THAT BAD. Ted's eyes wander to Christy, who prances around the newsroom. Julie notices. JULIE Don't even tell me you're hot for Miss Titty Pom Poms over there. TED Christy's a very talented journalist. I see a Pulitzer in her future. JULIE I didn't know they gave them for Best Lip Gloss Retention During a Blow Job. TED Me-ow. JULIE Go ahead. Ask her to the prom. Get it over with. TED I have absolutely no intention-- JULIE --Do it. I triple-dog-dare you. BACK TO CORRIDOR Ted nears Christy. Students stare as he passes. They elbow one another. Whispering. TED (V.O.) So you see, this is really about a triple-dog-dare. I don't even know what it means. I just know, unless it's a felony, a triple-dog-dare pretty much has to be met with immediate action. Ted seems unaware that all eyes are upon him. The cacophony of the corridor settles. He gets down on one knee in front of Christy. Christy looks down on Ted. Smiles that smile. Which freezes as her eyes dart. Realizing that everyone is staring at them with great anticipation. TED (CONT'D) Uh, Christy, I was wondering... ALL STUDENTS WOULD YOU GO TO THE PROM WITH ME?!!! The corridor explodes with LAUGHTER. Ted flushes with embarrassment. Christy looks mortified. CHRISTY (through gritted teeth) Ted, have you lost your mind? TED You like me. I like you. I guess it's pretty obvious to everyone. CHRISTY I don't LIKE you. We're JUST FRIENDS. TED But that smile. CHRISTY Oh, Ted, DUH. I smile at everyone since I got my braces off. TED So you'll think about it? Christy laughs derisively. CHRISTY You really don't get it, do you? I am genetically programmed to desire a big, buff, manly man who can defend and provide for me and my yet to be conceived offspring! It's, like, a caveman thing! TED So that's a maybe? CHRISTY The answer is NEVER, Ted, NEVER. Except maybe in your dreams. Christy flees. Leaving Ted kneeling there. Alone. Unless you count the hoards of STUDENTS who are watching and LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. TED In my dreams. Of course. (repeating; chanting) This is a dream. This is only a dream. Julie approaches. Gives him a hand. Helps him up. JULIE No, Ted. This is an actual emergency. INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - MEN'S ROOM - DAY Ted pukes in the sink. JULIE I tried to warn you, William Randolph. She's got stiletto heels hidden in those Keds. TED But you triple-dog-dared me. JULIE It was for your own good, in a twisted sort of publicly humiliating way. CHARLIE One word, my friend. One word. MEATLOAF. Ted lifts his head. Looks in the mirror. Distraught. TED There's gotta be more to life than meatloaf. INT. THE NELSON KITCHEN - EVENING Not a hair above middle class. Home sweet home nonetheless. Dinner in progress. MOM, DAD, Ted, younger brother, JIMMY. A mutt named CORKY curled under the table. A storm brews. Lightning in the distance. Thunder RUMBLES. Ted's Mom observes her son with unmistakable Mom-radar. She slides a slab of - rotten timing! - MEAT LOAF onto his plate with an unpleasant thud. Ted shudders... TED If I never eat another bite of meat loaf again, it'll be too soon. Ted's Mom frowns. Jimmy explains matter-of-factly. JIMMY Mom, Dad. Meatloaf has come to represent all that Ted hates about his mediocre life and the world we live in. He's what you'd call clinically bummed. TED Why can't we have pot roast or stroganoff or even a little London broil? I mean, for god's sake, we own a grocery store! Ted's parents look at one another, shake their heads. His Dad gently explains... DAD We heard about Christy, son. Jimmy tries to stifle a grin. TED What is this? Does everybody know everything I'm about to say or do every freakin' minute of the day? MOM No cursing in this house, young man. Use the strong vocabulary God gave you. TED I don't have a shred of privacy in this whole stupid town! DAD We understand your disappointment, Teddy. Christy is a pretty, sexy, provocative, voluptuous... (catches himself) We...uh...we understand your disappointment. TED It's my private business! Mine! MOM Can the tantrum, sweet pea. We're the good guys, remember? JIMMY Mom, Dad. Don't allow this disturbing behavior to furrow your collective brow. Ted's just experiencing some post-adolescent turmoil, coming to terms with the whole "small town dynamic." TED I hate Xenia! I hate my life! Ted charges for the front door... TED (V.O.) (CONT'D) And until that moment, this was the worst day of my seventeen and a half years. And then it happened. Three, two, one... EXT. NELSON HOUSE - EVENING Ted bursts outside and plows straight into MARTY ZUKERMAN, a short, rotund man in his mid-50s. TED Whoa! Sorry, mister. Zukerman's briefcase and papers are knocked to the ground. Ted helps to retrieve them. ZUKERMAN In a hurry, are we? TED I was in the middle of a melodramatic exit. It wouldn't really make a statement if I tiptoed out the door...What are you selling? ZUKERMAN Bad news. TED People pay good money for that? ZUKERMAN I'm just a messenger. Ted starts to back away. Instinctively knowing the bad news must be for him. TED Oh no. No way. I've had all the bad news I can take for one day. ZUKERMAN It's about your parents. Ted stops. Puzzled. TED My parents? What do you mean? ZUKERMAN I'm terrible at this. I blurt. I'm a blurter. Your parents...They ...well...they exist no further. (off Ted's confusion) Skinny-dipping. The Amazon. Piranhas. It wasn't pretty. TED You've got the wrong guy. The closest my parents have been to the Amazon is the Brazilian pavilion at Epcot. ZUKERMAN Well kid, I'm speaking of...your biological parents. INT. NELSON LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Ted sits on the couch, bewildered. Dad beside him. Mom pours coffee in her best china. Zukerman regards a wall of family photos as he takes a sip. ZUKERMAN The will reading is next Tuesday. Naturally all of Ted's expenses will be taken care of. Ted's parents look worried. Mom reminds Dad... MOM We have a truckload of strawberries arriving on Tuesday morning. DAD (explaining to Zukerman) We own a small family grocery store. ZUKERMAN How quaint. TED (quietly; moping) It's spring break. I don't want to go to a will reading. MOM That's part of growing up, honey. TED What? Having spring break ruined by will readings? DAD You know what your mother means. ZUKERMAN All right, I can give you two tickets, prepaid, but you must be there. There's no other way. JIMMY Mom, Dad. Allow me to accompany Ted. I can assure you, I'll be the level-headed sidekick to your angst ridden teen. DAD I think Ted should take someone older, more responsible. MOM What about Charlie? You boys could make it a little adventure. TED Charlie, at a will reading? What did I do to deserve this? Lightning strikes again. Thunder rumbles a second later. The lights flicker. And it's PITCH BLACK. INT. TED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Candles light the dark room. Rain pours hard outside. Journalism mementos all over Ted's walls. News clippings. Magazine covers. There's even a faux Pulitzer, a Christmas gift from his parents. Ted's Dad sits on the edge of his bed. DAD I remember spring break of my senior year. Seems like a lifetime ago. TED Dad, please. DAD Grandpa was so strong back then. Working from the crack of dawn. So proud of his peaches. TED Remember how you struggled through that whole facts of life talk and then found out I knew more than you? DAD You're way ahead of me again? TED (proving it...) It was the year of the rhizopus rot. Grandpa almost lost the farm. You sacrificed your dream to go to the prize hog festival. And in the end you saved the peaches and you didn't have to slaughter your sow. DAD The lesson being? TED Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to do. It's all part of growing up. And it usually works out peachy in the end. DAD I'm getting so good at this. Dad chuckles, but Ted's still moping. TED You guys are my parents. DAD Of course we are. TED They didn't want me when I was born. Why should I care... ...if they're dead. DAD Son. TED Well, why should I? DAD They had a rough life. Your father was a bouncer. Your mother was, well, a two-bit stripper. There was no place for a baby. TED I guess. DAD They did do one great thing. They gave us our boy. TED Yeah. DAD Be a sport. How bad could spring break in Los Angeles be? TED I guess we could go to Disneyland or something. DAD Think of it as a rite of passage to manhood. TED Like one of those "National Geographic" specials with the topless chicks? DAD Whatever helps you cope. TED I guess it's better than having tribal patterns carved in my face. DAD There ya go. Always remember, focus on the peach... TED ...not the pit. Ted's Dad hugs him briefly, laughing... DAD Always one step ahead of your dear old dad. EXT. LAX - DAY A 747 lands screaming on the runway. INT. LAX - DAY Ted and Charlie exit the plane. They walk tentatively through the sleeve towards the entry gate. CHARLIE I wonder if this is what it feels like to be born? Ted gives him a look. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Think about it...Long tunnel, bright lights, it's full of vaginal symbolism. TED Poor Freud, turning in his grave. CHARLIE Seriously, it's like we're being reborn. We really could reinvent ourselves here, just like you said. Nobody knows about your massive humiliation. TED Nobody knows about your mental retardation. CHARLIE Nobody knows you barfed during junior high school graduation. TED Nobody knows about your constant masturbation. CHARLIE And nobody knows you're a virgin! (after a beat) Aw, who are we kidding... Charlie's words echo loudly through the sleeve... CHARLIE (CONT'D) ...EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU'RE A VIRGIN! People stare at Ted as they pass. TED I think I'll reinvent a new best friend. INT. LAX - TERMINAL - DAY Ted and Charlie enter the terminal. Friends and family wait for loved ones. A few chauffeurs hold signs with names. One stands out. Tall. Blonde. Gorgeous. In a short skirt. A matching low cut jacket. And a cap. She's stunning. And she's holding a sign that reads: TED NELSON. CHARLIE What are the odds of there being ANOTHER Ted Nelson on our flight? TED Astronomical. They grin at one another. Then approach the Chauffeur. TED (CONT'D) Hi, I'm Ted Nelson. With a sad look, the Chauffeur hugs him, kissing one cheek, then the other. CHAUFFEUR I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Your father was a great man. Ted's stunned. Charlie leans in and whispers. CHARLIE Who the hell was your father? TED Well, Dad said... INT. STRETCH LIMO - DAY Ted and Charlie sit on opposites ends of the plush interior. Charlie eyes the control console with its slew of gadgets. They practically have to shout to hear one another. CHARLIE ...A bouncer? Are you serious? TED Maybe he got promoted. Charlie continues playing with the console switches. TED (CONT'D) Don't. Touch. Anything. Too late. Rock music pulsates through the limo. CHARLIE (shouting) This is the life, baby. We get ourselves some tail and we're talking SPRING BREAK! TED Cut it out, before you break something! CHARLIE For a guy about to try his first Dom Perignon, you are extremely uptight. He flips another switch. The bar opens. Revealing a bottle of Dom Perignon on ice. Charlie grins broadly. TED We can't afford that! Charlie grabs the bottle and starts to open it. CHARLIE Don't you know anything about limo etiquette? Everything in here is included for our pleasure. TED Wait a second, I thought we were hamburger guys. CHARLIE And like every hamburger guy knows, when you get your one big chance at the good life, you abuse every second of it until they figure out you don't belong there and kick your sorry ass out. POP! The cork flies through the air. Bounces off the ceiling. And hits another switch. The sun roof glides open. Champagne overflows from the bottle. All over Charlie's crotch. TED Nice. Is that in the limo etiquette handbook, too? Charlie grabs a bar towel as Ted looks toward the sun roof. Beautifully blue Southern California sky greets him. With an occasional palm tree swooshing by. Ted rises. EXT. LIMO - DAY - MOVING Ted's head peeks out of the sun roof. Tentatively. Unsure. He takes in the sights as the limo cruises Sunset Boulevard. People stare at him. A beautiful BLONDE smiles and waves. He waves back, very timidly. Charlie sticks his head out, too. Sun on their faces. Wind in their hair. CHARLIE This is how the other half lives, bro. Enjoy it while you can. EXT. ENTRY GATE - DAY The limo passes through the ornate gate of what could only be a sprawling mansion. It comes to a sudden halt. The door swings open to reveal a group of BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN. Clad in very short black dresses and even some black bikinis. Sad expressions on their faces. EXT. LIMO - DAY The MOURNERS embrace Ted. BEAUTIFUL MOURNER #1 Welcome, Mr. Nelson. You are so very very welcome here. BEAUTIFUL MOURNER #2 We feel your pain, so deeply. CHARLIE (to Ted) Something tells me we're not in Xenia anymore, Toto. EXT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - DAY The beautiful young women guide Ted towards the mansion. Charlie follows. A particularly VOLUPTUOUS BEAUTY eyes him curiously. CHARLIE I'm Charles. The handsome, devoted best friend. We're so close, we feel each other's pain. The voluptuous beauty notices Charlie's soaked crotch. He winks... CHARLIE (CONT'D) See what you do to me, baby. Just then, the spry HELEN McDOLE, 60s, emerges from the mansion. She approaches Ted and hugs him. HELEN Oh my, he would have been so proud. You're the spitting image of him. CHARLIE He never spits, ma'am. Ever. He can't even get a good hocker going. I've tried to teach him. It comes from the diaphragm. TED (sharply; to Charlie) You're on the next plane home. HELEN (emotional embrace) I'm Helen McDole. Your father's executive secretary. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ted takes a seat at the spacious conference table. Helen sits on his right. Charlie sits on his left. Zukerman and two other IMPATIENT ATTORNEYS wait at the head of the table. Finally Zukerman checks his watch and rises. ZUKERMAN We're running out of time. The kid's here. We don't need HIM. HELEN Perhaps we could be patient for just a moment or two longer? They all watch a WALL CLOCK. Seconds pass, slowly, slowly. Then suddenly Zukerman rises. ZUKERMAN What did the doctor say to the nurse as they watched something black and white and red in a blender? (a wry smile) No more patients. Very dramatically, Zukerman slides a copy of "Heaven" magazine down the conference table. Right to Ted. ZUKERMAN (CONT'D) Are you familiar with "Heaven?" TED I'm seventeen. I know it like the back of my hand. ZUKERMAN Your fathered owned the entire "Heaven" empire. You own it now. Any questions? Ted's stunned, speechless. Charlie gawks. CHARLIE Everything? The publishing division, the real estate holdings, the retail outlets, the theme parks? ZUKERMAN As far as the eye can see. Zukerman presses a remote control. A wall panel slides open to reveal a large monitor which springs to life. On the screen is a striking couple. Ted'S BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. HEATHER and TOM DEEDS. Heather, stunningly sexy and overflowing from her gold sequined halter top. Tom, very handsome in a Vegas showman sort of way. HEATHER Oh, sweetheart! We wish we could be right there to hug the living daylights out of you! TOM But if you're watching this, then it means we bit the dust. HEATHER But don't worry...we'll be in heaven. The REAL heaven, I mean. Not that heaven is an actual place, but more like a state of being. Or not being. Who knows. Maybe we know now. TOM If you're anything like yours truly, then you probably figure we didn't want you when you were born, so who cares if we're dead? Am I right? Ted looks guilty. This is too weird. HEATHER But we did want you. It's just that you don't always get to keep what you want. We knew you needed a real mom and dad. TOM We had no idea the nudie magazine we started in the garage would turn into all this. Heather holds up the first issue of "Heaven." She's on the cover, wearing nothing but a halo. She looks almost exactly the same today, with a few extra nips and tucks. HEATHER Can you believe that was me? TOM Before we knew it, we created the most popular men's magazine in the entire nation. The rest is history. HEATHER So here we are. Dead. But we never want you to want for anything. That is, we want you to have everything. TOM Everything. Heather leans forward and blows a kiss into the camera. Her strongest assets spilling forward. HEATHER We love you, Ted. We always did. We always will. Charlie's practically slobbering. He elbows Ted. CHARLIE I can't believe that's your mother. We're talking babe-a-licious chub fest, right here in the 501's. TED Perv. At that moment, the doors burst open. WILLIAM G. DEEDS (UNCLE BILLY) sails into the room. Handsome in an unconventional way, he exudes passion and eccentricity. UNCLE BILLY I'm so terribly sorry. Am I too late? ZUKERMAN Ah, Mr. Deeds. You're just in time to congratulate your nephew. He inherited the empire. UNCLE BILLY (a broad smile) Every morsel of it? ZUKERMAN It would appear so. Uncle Billy hugs Ted with great enthusiasm. UNCLE BILLY Smashing! Welcome to the family, Ted. You are going to breathe some new life into this place. You are going to set the world on fire! You are going to...call me Uncle Billy? Please? TED (awkwardly) Uh, sure. Uncle Billy. UNCLE BILLY I have only one concern... Ted waits. Swept up by Uncle Billy's spirit. UNCLE BILLY (CONT'D) You do like girls, don't you? TED Of course I like girls. UNCLE BILLY A lot? I mean, a whole lot? TED As much as possible. UNCLE BILLY You're sure? CHARLIE (to the rescue) He likes them with the unbridled enthusiasm of a seventeen-year-old virgin who's been making mental beef jerky since he saw the bevy of tender young skirt steaks at his new hacienda. Uncle Billy grins broadly. UNCLE BILLY That's my boy! INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY Uncle Billy leads Ted and Charlie through the cavernous room. Sexy, semi-clad oil paintings of Ted's biological mother adorn the walls. UNCLE BILLY The parties are held in here when the weather dips below seventy. Which is seldom. TED Seldom? No kidding? CHARLIE You said parties but you meant ORGIES, right? (to Ted; quietly) Stick with me. I know their codes. Uncle Billy winks at Ted. UNCLE BILLY The orgies, exactly. Take a deep breath. You can smell it. Pure sexuality, oozing from the walls. Charlie takes a deep breath. Uncle Billy and Ted share a conspiratorial smirk. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - GAME ROOM - DAY The epitome of every boy's dream arcade. Everything from classic pinball machines to the most high tech virtual reality game that has yet to hit the market. Charlie shakes his head in amazement. CHARLIE Naked girls, wild sex, video games. No wonder it's called "Heaven." UNCLE BILLY This is a fun place...but we don't usually come here until after the orgies. TED (playing along) Ah, in other words, this is the apres-orgy salon? UNCLE BILLY Indeed it is. During the day, visitors prefer to be outside, au naturel. As it were. Charlie continues to gawk. Ted's equally impressed but holding it together. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - SWIMMING ROOM - DAY Uncle Billy leads Ted and Charlie by the indoor pool which is decorated like a tropical pond, complete with exotic vegetation, lava rocks, and a waterfall. They pass through a cave-like entrance and find themselves... EXT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - SWIMMING POOL - DAY ...coming out by another spectacular waterfall. Which separates the indoor and outdoor pools. Numerous BEAUTIFUL WOMEN swim, chat, play water polo. Some topless, some might as well be. The boys watch in awe as one woman rubs lotion on another woman's back. UNCLE BILLY Hello, girls! Have you met Ted? The women wave, ad-libbing warm greetings. Charlie leans towards Ted, confiding... CHARLIE This is like my every wet dream come true. I don't even care that you're here, too, bro. TED Be cool. Fake it if you have to. UNCLE BILLY Good advice, Ted. You have your father's instincts. "His father." The words sound so strange. He never even met the guy. UNCLE BILLY (CONT'D) Just remember, you're not the man you were a day ago. And these girls, let's just say they'd be eager to please you. Ted gulps. It's hard to believe this is real. CHARLIE I wonder how many of them will be at the orgy tonight? TED This isn't some 80's porno film, you dip shit. There are no wild sex orgies. CHARLIE Oh. Well. Maybe not yet. TED Not ever. Never. UNCLE BILLY Never say never. CHARLIE Oh, god. Look. Look. Ted looks. A beautiful woman sensuously rubs tanning lotion over her OWN breasts. The boys stare, riveted. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree. Uncle Billy grins. UNCLE BILLY Maybe she needs help, Ted. You should be a gentleman. TED (voice cracking) I...uh...I think she's doing fine on her own. CHARLIE (having a moment) Oh baby, yes, yes, yes. Fuck me like you mean it. Ted elbows Charlie out of his fantasy. TED You kiss your mother with that mouth? CHARLIE I'd kiss your mother with this mouth. I mean, if she wasn't, you know... He means dead. TED So far away? In Xenia? CHARLIE Yeah, whatever. INT. THE NELSON HOME - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Mom waits nervously for the phone to ring. MOM Teddy? Is that you? Dad hurries out of the bathroom, hiking up his pajamas. Mom speaks loudly, as if Ted's in Siberia. MOM (CONT'D) How are you, baby? Are you all right? INTERCUT WITH: INT. TED'S BEDROOM - "HEAVEN" MANSION - NIGHT A palatial suite. Very Louis XIV. Ted throws a sheet over a nude sculpture of his biological mother. While holding a cordless phone in the crook of his neck. TED I'm all right, Mom. I'm not in Siberia, you know. MOM Did you have a nice flight? Are they taking good care of you? TED Yeah, I'm doing fine. I have so much to tell you. I don't even know where to begin. MOM Save it, honey. We want to hear every detail when you get back, but we don't want you to run up Mr. Zukerman's phone bill. TED It's okay, Mom. Trust me. Mom hands Dad the phone. DAD Ted, it's your dad. I have a question for you. I don't know how to put it tactfully. You know I'm lousy with words. TED Just say it, Dad. DAD I know they were simple people, but did this trip help your college fund at all? TED Dad, let's just say I can buy anything I want in the whole bookstore. Including the bookstore. DAD (not getting it) Well, good. Every little bit helps. Suddenly, Charlie bursts into the room with a pair of binoculars. CHARLIE Check this out. Hurry! TED I better go, Dad. DAD We'll see you soon. Have fun in... (trying to be hip) ...the land of fruits and nuts. INT. TED'S BEDROOM - "HEAVEN" MANSION - NIGHT Charlie flips off the light switch and whispers... CHARLIE Hurry. TED (to Charlie) What is it now? CHARLIE Check it out! Charlie shoves the binoculars at Ted and guides him toward the window which overlooks the outdoor pool. TED Don't tell me. Another vision of incomparable beauty? CHARLIE Beauty? No. We're talking GODDESS. TED'S POV THROUGH BINOCULARS A devastatingly PERFECT WOMAN, GINGER, "Miss April," emerges from the pool, wearing nothing but a g-string. Her skin shimmers from the reflection of the pool lights. Rivulets of water stream down her body. She reaches for a towel and pats her body dry. An incredible aura seems to surround her. Separating her from the other spectacular beauties we've seen already. Ted lowers the binoculars. Entranced. TED I get it now. You and me. We're dead. CHARLIE Dead? TED Our plane crashed. In the Grand Canyon. A big fiery explosion. We never made it to L.A. They needed dental records to identify us. And this place. This. Actually. Is. Heaven. CHARLIE Then there must be a whole room, made completely of chocolate. TED And some really fast cars. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - NIGHT Ted and Charlie move like thieves in the night. CHARLIE Don't be such a pansy. All of this is YOURS. TED It's a lot to digest. Imagine how you'd feel. CHARLIE I'd feel like staying up all night! Forever! Or at least till I got the LAY of the land, SO TO SPEAK. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Ted and Charlie enter. Flip the light switch. It was his parents' very opulent bedroom. Complete with more risqué paintings of Ted's biological mother. TED I feel like I'm entering a forbidden tomb... CHARLIE ...where they get all the really good porno channels on cable. Charlie pulls open a dresser drawer filled with Ted's mother's lingerie. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Cha-ching. Jackpot. Charlie caresses a pair of red silk panties and inhales their powdery fragrance. TED Oh, how inappropriate is that! CHARLIE Take a whiff of heaven. TED How would you like it if I did that to your mother's panties? CHARLIE I'd call you a sick, twisted fuck. But this is different. She wasn't your mother mother-- TED Give me those! Ted grabs the panties just as Charlie pulls away, ripping them in half. Just then the door opens to reveal a very proper ENGLISH BUTLER. BUTLER I do apologize, sir. I heard a noise. Ted and Charlie awkwardly hide the panty halves behind their backs. TED We were just-- BUTLER --I completely understand, sir. I'll leave you to your business. Good night. The Butler leaves. Ted glares at Charlie. Who shrugs. CHARLIE A couple of boys fighting over a pair of red silk panties is nothing compared to what he's seen. TED (sarcastic) Yeah, he's probably been serving cocktails, SO TO SPEAK, at the orgies. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - GARAGE - THE NEXT MORNING The garage is crowded with two dozen sporty classics. Ted runs his hands over the hood of a red Ferrari 575M Maranello. He pulls the door open and slides into the leather seat. GINGER (O.S.) Wanna take me for a ride? Ted turns around and spots Ginger, the goddess from the pool, making her way towards him. He gulps. TED I-I don't have the keys. GINGER They're in the ignition, silly. Ted glances down. There they are. She hops in next to him. He doesn't know what to do. GINGER (CONT'D) You do know how to drive? TED I don't have much experience with a...uh...stick. GINGER Want a lesson? Ted blushes. He needs a lot of lessons. GINGER (CONT'D) Press your left foot on the clutch. And turn the key. The Ferrari growls to life. Ginger places her hand over Ted's. GINGER (CONT'D) Now release the brake. And slide the stick into first gear. TED Got it. Ginger moves her slender fingers on his knees. Showing him how it's done. GINGER Now very carefully apply some pressure to the gas pedal with your right foot as you release the clutch with your left. She squeezes his thigh and winks. EXT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - GARAGE - DAY The Ferrari jerks out of the garage and promptly stalls. Ginger giggles. Could Ted be MORE embarrassed? GINGER The first time can be awkward. You just have to get on and try again. TED I don't even know if I should be doing this. It's a very expensive car. GINGER It's your car. These are all your cars. TED Some of them have to be automatics. GINGER Your father liked shifting. He said it brought him closer to the engine. "Like a woman, purring with ecstasy." Ted feels his temperature rising. He changes the subject. TED I'm Ted, by the way. I think I forgot to say that. GINGER I know. I'm Ginger. Miss April. TED The one with the horses. GINGER That's me. TED I almost didn't recognize you without...you know...that stallion between...your...uh...legs. Ginger blushes. TED (CONT'D) That sounded so much better in my head. Ginger GIGGLES. Ted tries to hide behind his less than cool shades. Ginger notices. GINGER Hey, Ted. Wanna go shopping? TED Shopping, really? I should tell my friend. GINGER Don't worry. He found the chocolate room. TED (big grin) Hi ho, Silver. He puts the car in gear. The tires scream as they take off. Gears grind as he shifts. Not exactly purring with ecstasy. Yet. EXT. BEVERLY HILLS - DAY The Ferrari negotiates its way along Rodeo Drive. Ted seems to have gotten the hang of it. Tourists stare. One snaps a photo. Ted pulls up to...and then over...the curb. Well, he almost has the hang of it. INT. CLOTHING STORE - DAY Ted emerges from a dressing room. Slowly starting to lose his boy-from-Xenia taint. He glances at the price tag, dangling from his sleeve. His eyes widen. Ginger strokes his arm. Whispers seductively in his ear. GINGER Your father always said, "Money matters only to the man who doesn't have it." Ted listens. Trying to learn. INT. A CHIC EYEWEAR BOUTIQUE - DAY Ted tries on some snazzy sunglasses. Ginger approves. Ted still checks the price tag. TED Sorry, habit. Ginger looks into his eyes. As if she can see his soul. GINGER Who exactly ARE you? TED (uncomfortable) What do you mean? I'm Ted Nelson. GINGER And who IS Ted Nelson? Ted's not sure how to respond. He smiles awkwardly. GINGER (CONT'D) Is he a small town boy, destined to live an ordinary life with an ordinary wife and a tiny house with a boring old white picket fence? The hamburger life. Now he can defy it. GINGER (CONT'D) Or do you have a taste for the good life, Ted? It's in your blood. TED I always knew there was more. I felt it. GINGER Then remember, you are the heir to a billion dollar empire. You have a staff of literally thousands. Multiply everything you ever imagined by a million and you still can't even wrap your head around everything that is yours. ALL YOURS. Ted slides on the shades. Slowly, purposefully. He grins at the SALES CLERK... TED I'll take the whole case. INT. "HEAVEN" HEADQUARTERS - DAY Ted, Charlie, Helen, and Uncle Billy walk past GRAPHIC DESIGNERS in cubicles as Helen leads a tour of the "Heaven" magazine offices. As they pass each cubicle, HEADS pop up to check them out. "HEAVEN" WAR ROOM POLAROIDS OF NAKED WOMEN cover every square inch of wall space. Ted and Charlie gawk. Who can blame them? UNCLE BILLY Every one of these women thinks she should be the next Angel of the Month. It's your job, Ted, to decide which of them is right. CHARLIE Let me get this straight... UNCLE BILLY If it isn't straight by now, son, you probably should see a doctor. CHARLIE These are real, live women? UNCLE BILLY (winking at Ted) We don't generally feature blow-up dolls in our magazine. But hey, if you think there's a market for it. CHARLIE God, I love being dead. Ted focuses on one particular picture. He removes the push pin that holds it to the wall. TED I like her. We can see the concerned look on Helen's face. Does this kid have any taste at all? HELEN (relieved) Nice choice. There's only one problem. She shows Uncle Billy. UNCLE BILLY You think she upgraded? HELEN They went in through the belly button. Uncle Billy nods. He explains gently... UNCLE BILLY We don't allow TIPN, Ted. TED Tipping? HELEN TIPN. Tattoos, implants, piercings, nose jobs. Our angels must be pure, unadultered, completely natural. Ted looks at the walls again. Carefully. He has a knack for this. He hands a picture to Helen. She turns to Uncle Billy and smiles. HELEN (CONT'D) (emotional) You have your father's eye. His father. He just can't get used to that. Who was this guy? INT. MASTER BEDROOM CLOSET - "HEAVEN" MANSION - NIGHT Ted looks at the impressive collection of suits. Runs his hands along the fabrics. Picks a particularly stylish jacket and tries it on. It fits poorly. Too big in the chest and shoulders. Ted looks at himself in the full-length mirror. He's not half the man his father was. Suddenly there's a KNOCK on the door. Ted quickly takes off his father's jacket and puts on his own. He lets Uncle Billy in. LOUD PARTY SOUNDS momentarily pour into the room. UNCLE BILLY There you are, Ted-baby. Everything all right? TED Yeah. Everything's cool. Ted's struggling with a silk tie. Uncle Billy helps him. UNCLE BILLY You ready for your big coming out party? Everybody's dying to meet you. TED Just a couple of finishing touches. My parents always said you never get a second chance to make a good first impression. UNCLE BILLY (puzzled) They said that? Really? (realizing) Oh, your parents. The Nelson's. Right, right. How midwest. I like that. Ted wipes his palms on his slacks. Confiding... TED Truth is, I'm a little nervous. UNCLE BILLY YOU? Nervous? Why on earth should you be nervous? TED All those people out there. It's a lot of pressure. UNCLE BILLY Huh! You laugh in the face of pressure! TED I do? UNCLE BILLY You are a multi-media magnate. The Tycoon of Tits. The Baron of Bottoms. Ted chuckles. Uncle Billy's calming him... UNCLE BILLY CONT'D) You are the Emperor of every little girl who dreamed of growing up to see her naughty bits spread eagle, airbrushed to glossy perfection, with staples through her ass. Uncle Billy rubs his shoulders. As if pep-talking him for a big fight. UNCLE BILLY You're the Sultan of Semen. The Monarch of Masturbation. The Merchant Prince of Lust. You. Ted. Are the King of Coitus. TED Me? The King of Coitus? UNCLE BILLY The Supreme Sovereign of Sexuality. TED Whoa. But...that's the thing... (he whispers) I've never even actually... UNCLE BILLY (interrupting) Why, look who's here. Uncle Billy swings the door open to reveal. KIKI and KELLY. Tall, beautiful, leggy IDENTICAL TWINS. They smile warmly at Ted, each offering an arm. Ted holds his head high. Like the Sovereign of Sexuality. LONG DRAMATIC STAIRCASE With the twins on either side of him, Ted struts down the stairs and into a sea of people. All so eager to meet him. Ted acts as if he's been doing this all his life. TED (sotto) The Potentate of Poon has arrived. And instantly, he's surrounded. People shake his hands. Women kiss his cheeks. Athletes, movie stars, models. Charlie watches, beaming proudly. DANCE FLOOR - LATER Charlie thinks he's Travolta. Dressed for disco. Twirling a Super Model. Ted dances among a dozen BEAUTIES. They steal kisses and hugs, here and there. A thousand Cinderellas, all after one Prince Charming. Ted's having the time of his life. Charlie dances up to him. Shouting in his ear... CHARLIE Ain't life amazing? A week ago, you couldn't get to second base! Now you OWN second base! They high-five one another. An EXOTIC BEAUTY grabs Ted and starts dirty dancing. Rubbing herself against him. Ted's clueless. So he improvises. People cheer him on. He thrusts his pelvis. Feigns various sex acts. Hilarious, goofy, but it works. EXT. JACUZZI - NIGHT The party's over. Ted relaxes in the Jacuzzi, sipping champagne. Thrilled, elated, blasted. Uncle Billy sits across from him. Two MASSEUSES tenderize their shoulders. But as the scene continues the women take an even greater interest in each other. Stealing a kiss here. A touch there. Ted attention is distracted as he chats with Uncle Billy. UNCLE BILLY I told you you could do it. TED I was like a different person tonight. UNCLE BILLY You were the new and improved you. TED I would have been laughed right out of Xenia. UNCLE BILLY No one will be laughing at you now, Ted. You can take that to the bank. TED It's really going to be strange going home in a couple of days. UNCLE BILLY You ARE home. But go ahead, finish school, do what you feel you need to do. In the meantime, I'll be your point person here on the magazine. TED Really? You'd do that for me? UNCLE BILLY I've been very lazy for a long, long time. TED You seem like you're anything but lazy, Uncle Billy. UNCLE BILLY (confiding) I never finished school myself. Never had to. My brother built this empire from nothing but his wife's perky tits and a whole lot of gumption. He gave me a cushy job on a silver platter. I never struggled for a second. TED My parents always say hard work builds character. UNCLE BILLY It's not like I didn't have ideas, I had plenty of ideas. But I never even shared them with your father. Never had the guts. TED What kind of ideas? UNCLE BILLY Well...for one thing...I think it's despicable that we exclude so many women that only fit our western notion of "classic beauty." TED You think we should be more open minded? UNCLE BILLY The world is a big, beautiful place. We can open new markets in Africa and Asia. Imagine the Dali Lhama reading our magazine. TED In other words, our scope is too narrow. UNCLE BILLY At our press conference tomorrow, I think we should announce our plans to explore the world. Not just a few leggy 36D's, with blond hair upstairs and down. TED That's perfect. The Masseuses help Uncle Billy out of the Jacuzzi. They say their goodnights and Ted closes his eyes. When he opens them, Ginger stands at the edge of the tub. GINGER Want some company? Ted can barely nod. She unzips the back of her dress and lets it fall to her feet. The silhouette of her nude body is startlingly gorgeous in the moonlight. Ted watches as she descends, step by step, into the frothy water. Ted's paralyzed with desire and fear. Ginger descends deeper. A wash of foam caresses her breasts. She continues. Until she's completely submerged. Ted looks startled. The "Jaws" theme echoes through his ears. He starts to rise. Concerned. When suddenly, he feels something. Whoa! His swimming trunks land next to him. He starts to rise out of the Jacuzzi, when suddenly he's sucked under. He thrashes. His hand grabs the edge of the Jacuzzi. But his fingers give out. And he slides under. Only to rise out of the water with Ginger. Attached to his lips. Kissing him passionately. DISSOLVE TO: INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - TED'S BEDROOM - MORNING Ted and Ginger in bed. Morning rays, satin sheets, what a night. Ted awakens. He stares at Ginger in awe, remembering what happened. Smiles big. Ted slides out of bed. Catches his reflection in the mirror. Takes a good look at himself. TED (posing; cool) Who's your daddy? INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - DAY Press Conference. Lights, cameras, reporters, bedlam. Uncle Billy, Helen, and Ted sit at a makeshift dais. UNCLE BILLY ...My brilliant, extraordinary nephew, Ted Nelson, has brought enough fresh blood to this company to make all of Transylvania happy for the next fifty or sixty years. I'll give him the mike now and you'll see what I mean. This apple didn't fall far from the tree. Ted prepares to speak. A little nervous from the spotlights, but hell, he's a man now. Uncle Billy gives him a reassuring look. UNCLE BILLY (CONT'D) (whispering) Don't forget to tell them all your qualifications. TED I'm Ted Nelson. I guess you already know that part. (proud of himself) For two years I've been the editor of the high school paper in Xenia, Ohio. I've won some awards, made a difference. I've always had journalism in my soul. Now I know why. He glances at Uncle Billy, who urges him to tell more. TED (CONT'D) They tell me I've got my father's taste in women and cars. (winking) The faster, the better. CHUCKLES from the crowd. Uncle Billy gives him a "thumb's up" sign. TED (CONT'D) And I'm really looking forward to the challenge of bringing "Heaven" magazine into the 21st century. INT. CHRISTY MALONE'S BATHROOM - SAME In the middle of waxing her bikini line, Christy jumps up and down excitedly. CHRISTY He asked me to the prom! ME! We're practically engaged! INT. JULIE CONROY'S BEDROOM - SAME Julie watches TV. Stunned. JULIE He reinvented himself into a dick. INT. PRINCIPAL MERKIN'S DEN - SAME Principal Merkin watches TV. Simmering. PRINCIPAL MERKIN You don't even have your high school diploma yet, Mr. Nelson. I'm still the boss of you. INT. NELSON FAMILY ROOM - SAME Ted's parents and little Jimmy stare in amazement at their old-fashioned console RCA. A geeky high school picture of Ted appears on screen, as a REPORTER babbles... BABBLING REPORTER (ON TV) The big question now remains: Will success spoil Ted Nelson, the straight-A journalism student from Xenia, Ohio, whose life was transformed overnight when he found out he was rich, powerful, and certainly the most eligible bachelor in the entire nation? MOM (shocked) Our Teddy inherited "Heaven?" DAD He said he was set for book money. Jimmy turns to his parents. JIMMY Mom, Dad. Forget about roller blades for my birthday. I'd prefer a DNA test. Can you prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not, for example, a Guccione? The door bell CHIMES. Mom and Dad look at each other. This can't be good. ENTRY WAY Dad opens the front door to reveal a delivery man, holding a flashy new bike. DELIVERYMAN Delivery for Jimmy Nelson. EXT. NELSON HOUSE - DAY Jimmy squeezes past Dad and jumps on the bike as Mom appears in the doorway. MOM My goodness, who sent this? DELIVERY MAN It's from "Heaven," ma'am. DAD Ted. Of course. JIMMY (riding around) I love you, Ted! MOM We can't accept it. It's much too expensive. Right, dear? DAD Of course, dumpling. Its very nice of Ted but... At that moment, ANOTHER DELIVERY MAN and his HELPER unload a large crate from another truck. They approach Dad and Mom. DELIVERY MAN #2 Delivery for Robert Nelson. DAD For me? What is it? DELIVERY MAN #2 Appears to be tools, sir. MOM Oh, no. Ted's gone completely overboard. Dad approaches the crate as the Delivery Man opens it to reveal a large scarlet and gray case of tools. Dad opens one of the drawers. Runs his fingers over the shiny instruments. Tears in his eyes. MOM (CONT'D) Sweetheart, what is it? DAD I always wanted Craftsman tools. He even got me the limited edition Buckeye colors. MOM Oh, honey. We can't accept this extravagance. Another delivery truck arrives. Then the local news vans. Neighbors rush out of their houses. The phone RINGS. Mom dashes inside. INT. THE NELSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY Mom grabs the phone. MOM Teddy? Is that you? INTERCUT WITH: INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - TED'S ROOM - DAY Ted wears a cordless headset phone, as if he was born with it. As he talks, he flexes his muscles in front of a full length mirror. TED Well? Surprised? MOM What is all this? When are you coming home? TED Just a few tokens of my affection. I'll be back soon, don't worry. MOM Everything is lovely, Ted, but much too expensive. TED Mom. Believe me. I could buy all that AND the factories they came from. Mom looks up as ANOTHER DELIVERY MAN wheels a washing machine and dryer into the house. DELIVERY MAN #3 Where do you want them, lady? Mom's eyes light up. MOM Oh, good lord. Are those Neptunes? TED Only the best for my mother. MOM (softening) You promise you'll finish school? TED I'll make you very proud. EXT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING A beautiful spring morning. Cars pull into the school parking lot. Students mingle in small groups. Making their way into the building. A group of GUYS look up. Suddenly, a helicopter swooshes through the air, circling the school as if to get everyone's attention, then landing on a grassy knoll. The helicopter is painted heavenly blue with a pattern of white billowy clouds. The door slides open and out hops Ted. In SLOW-MO. Looking seriously cool from the tips of his silver toed boots to his stylish Persol shades. Until he takes a second step and stumbles slightly, catching himself from falling face first into the grass. Charlie is right behind him. Looking great, too, but vaguely Mafioso in his efforts to be hip. He turns to the beautiful blonde PILOT and plants a big wet kiss for everyone to see. Ted and Charlie strut towards the school as Principal Merkin bursts through the front doors, shouting... PRINCIPAL MERKIN You cannot land a helicopter in my school yard! Get that blasted thing out of here! Ted raises his hand. The chopper rises as if on cue. Without a word, Ted and Charlie pass the ruffled Principal Merkin and strut toward the entrance. Classmates surround Ted. Congratulating him. Everyone wanting to be Ted's new best friend. Julie walks up to Charlie. JULIE What gives, Don Corleone? CHARLIE (smug) We reinvented ourselves. JULIE New Hushpuppies don't make a new man. CHARLIE You've obviously never had your dogs nestled in thousand dollar Italian loafers. JULIE That explains the emptiness that haunts me. CHARLIE Jealousy is so unattractive. Ted makes eye contact with Julie. Winking like he's Don Juan. She just stares at him, blankly. JULIE Second only to unfettered arrogance and the inability to see the irony therein. Charlie's baffled by that one. CHARLIE Wanna see my hickey from Miss December? Julie groans. INT. PRINCIPAL MERKIN'S OFFICE - DAY Principal Merkin paces dramatically... PRINCIPAL MERKIN I like you, Ted. You know that. I liked you before you were filthy rich. TED Thanks, Principal Merkin. PRINCIPAL MERKIN I'll be blunt. I know you can take it. TED Yes, sir. I'll brace myself. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Ted, you are the best editor this school paper ever had. You don't need to be pandering flesh. It's nonsense. It's beneath you. TED You think I ought to just tell them thanks but no thanks? I don't want your silly billion dollar empire? PRINCIPAL MERKIN That's a good start, yes. A very good start. TED Are you kidding? This magazine is my dream. It's every red-blooded, heterosexual male's dream. PRINCIPAL MERKIN I never figured you for a pimp. TED Have you ever even looked at "Heaven?" PRINCIPAL MERKIN What kind of sick question is that? I'll be watching you, young man. Your money and power mean nothing here. Nothing. TED I guess you won't be wanting that Rolex I sent you, then? Principal Merkin opens his desk drawer sheepishly. Caresses the watch. It kills him to return it. PRINCIPAL MERKIN No. No, I won't. Thank you. For reminding me. INT. NEWSROOM - DAY Flurry of activity. Ted on his cell phone. Julie types furiously. Taking her job very seriously. Christy Malone props one leg against the wall. Demonstrating those contortionist warm-up moves that drove Ted mad with desire. CHRISTY Great jacket, Teddy Bear. TED (hanging up phone) Yeah? You like? CHRISTY Makes your shoulders look so big and broad. JULIE A few billion bucks and suddenly he's Cro-Magnon Man of the Year. TED It's so nice to have FRIENDS like you, Christy. Christy pouts. Wishing she never said the "F" word. Julie snickers. Ted takes Julie's arm and guides her to a private spot in the corner. JULIE What is it, William Randolph? Your balls need scratching? TED Your article sucked. JULIE In what sense? TED In the sense that there is no "hidden agenda" behind a bake sale that raised five hundred dollars for seeing eye dogs. JULIE Ah ha! It was so well hidden, you didn't even know it was there. TED Come on, Julie. Don't screw up. You have some real talent. JULIE Just because someone died and made you king of the publishing world doesn't mean you're even one ounce smarter than you were a week ago. TED I'm trying to help. JULIE I'm still better than you. Nothing changed except the decimal point in your savings account. TED That's not ENTIRELY true. Julie snaps her fingers, as if trying to remember... JULIE Oh, right. You're probably not a virgin anymore. But as far as being a hack, that much is status quo. Ted fumes. She really knows how to push his buttons. TED What do you want from me? I'm trying to be fair. But I can't keep you on staff if you turn every PTA meeting into an Agent Orange cover up. JULIE Then I'll write about YOU. TED Me? JULIE "Local boy inherits more money than god." Call me crazy, but I smell human interest. TED (loving this) Really? You wanna write about me? INT. NELSON DINING ROOM - DAY A world class CHEF and his SOUS CHEF serve the Nelson's a filet mignon dinner. Mom, Dad, Jimmy, Ted, and Julie, sit at the table. Set with the finest china. The most elegant linens. A fresh floral arrangement. The best of everything. Everyone waits for Mom as she takes her first bite. MOM Goodness...it's delicious. I've never tasted anything so tender. The rest of them dig in. DAD Beats the heck out of meatloaf. (off Mom's look) Although your meatloaf is second to none, love muffin. Jimmy's eyes widen as he chews. JIMMY Mom, Dad. My trembling taste buds have just been assailed by the bittersweet knowledge of all they've been missing these past nine years. The chef turns to Julie... JULIE No offense, Wolfgang Puck, but dead flesh is dead flesh. This just happens to be better than most dead flesh on the planet. And finally, the Chef waits for Ted... TED Absolutely...heavenly. The Chef wipes a bead of sweat from his brow. Approval, at last, from the only opinion that mattered. CHEF Why, thank you, sir. Thank you. JIMMY Ted has bettered our lives to the point where I can no longer see myself as "the old Jimmy" I was but a day or two past. You may all call me James. From this moment forward. TED Finally, some gratitude. DAD We're grateful, Ted. It's not that. Those Craftsman tools...they're a dream come true. MOM Your Dad and I were raised with a certain work ethic, that's all. Julie listens closely, admiring Ted's parents. DAD We can't start living like we're the Rockerfellers or something. JIMMY Mom, Dad. The Rockerfellers are paupers compared to my favorite brother, Ted. TED You don't have to work another day in your lives. MOM But how would we pay our bills? DAD We just barely have enough for your college tuition, son. Ted's frustration mounts. TED Don't you get it? In one day I earn more interest than the store's entire annual revenue. MOM Oh. Goodness. TED You're free. You can do anything you ever wanted to do! MOM (after a beat) Like what? TED Like take that trip to Buckingham Palace. Go deep sea fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Now's your chance. DAD But those are our dreams, son. We have to make them come true. TED Consider me your fairy godfather, except without the fairy part. No more mealy apples and bruised bananas, ever, for the rest of your lives. MOM But who would run the store? TED Forget the store. Think big. Dad looks at Mom. Forget the store. That stings. DAD Ted, we put a lot of love in our business. MOM We wanted you and Jimmy to have it someday. Something real and honest. DAD We love our lives just the way they are. Disappointed, disgusted, Ted looks to Julie for support. Tears fill her eyes. Mom and Dad moved her. Ted shrugs and digs into his food. EXT. ABOVE THE CLOUDS - DAY A heavenly blue jet with billowy white clouds soars through the sky. INT. THE "HEAVEN" JET - DAY Beyond first class; the ultimate in posh. Charlie sweet-talks a sexy FLIGHT ATTENDANT. CHARLIE Call me Charlie. I'm a photographer for "Heaven" magazine. And a very cunning linguist. The Flight Attendant pulls him toward the washroom, quickly. Julie interviews Ted, complete with tape recorder. TED I have to admit, I always felt... different. JULIE Different how? Different like a dwarf at a basketball game? Or different like a lesbian in pumps? TED I don't get the distinction. JULIE Could everybody else tell you were different, or were you the only one who knew? TED I felt limited. I felt confined. I felt like I was suffocating. JULIE I see. So more like a tight rope walker who secretly wants to be a trapeze artist. TED I guess. JULIE Interesting. Another FLIGHT ATTENDANT approaches... FLIGHT ATTENDANT Warm peanuts? TED No thanks. I prefer my penis at room temperature. JULIE She said peanuts, you cretin. TED You never know around here. Julie raises her eyebrows. Taking notes. TED (CONT'D) Don't write that part. JULIE Is this an gritty exposé or a candy ass press release? TED Write what you want. Just try not to make it so obvious that you're crazy about me. JULIE (amused) Life must be peachy on Planet Ted. TED Funny you should say "peachy." JULIE I did my homework. Your grandfather was a peach farmer. TED My adoptive grandfather. Who knows what my biological grandfather did. JULIE Undoubtedly an aristocratic bartender of some sort. Ted loves her spunk. And the chemistry between them. TED Considering this is your first time on a private jet, on which you are interviewing the world's most eligible bachelor, you are extremely cavalier. JULIE I bet there are lots and lots of mirrors on Planet Ted. TED See? You're impertinent, rude, sarcastic. JULIE And this is not my first time on a private jet, so quit acting like I'm Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. TED A little respect would be nice, that's all. Julie snickers. JULIE Money can't buy respect, Ted. Saying what you mean. Meaning what you say. Being an honorable person. That's how you earn respect. INT. GREEN ROOM - DAY Ted waits for his appearance on "The Tonight Show." Ginger smooths out the imaginary creases in Ted's Armani jacket. GINGER Great jacket, Teddy. It makes your shoulders look so big and broad. Julie rolls her eyes. Here we go again. Uncle Billy and Helen look on approvingly. UNCLE BILLY You do look smashing. HELEN Positively dashing. CHARLIE Sharp as a mashed potato sandwich. Ted fake-guffaws. Charlie is quickly distracted by the relish tray. CHARLIE (CONT'D) Oh wow, look...they've even got baby gherkins! GINGER I have an idea! I'll be right back! And she dashes out the door. Ted leans towards Julie, who quietly observes everything. TED Well? What do you think of her? JULIE You're so twitterpated you don't even see the miner's hat and the pickax. TED You're implying she's, what, a gold digger? Julie shrugs. Isn't it obvious? TED (CONT'D) Charlie's right. Jealousy is so unattractive. JULIE Second only to unbridled, narcissistic conceit. TED (whining) Why can't you be nice to me? JULIE You've got enough people kissing your ass. Ginger returns with a rose. GINGER Here you go, cutie patootie. Rich guys always wear flowers. Julie gives Ted a look. See what I mean. INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - DAY Jay Leno seems charmed. Ted behaves as if he does this every day. The rose from Ginger is pinned to his lapel. JAY How are the hometown folks treating you, back in Xenia? TED Well, Jay. They've been exceptionally supportive. JAY Are they hitting you up for donations? Asking you to sponsor the local quilting bee? Audience LAUGHS. TED I'm no stranger to the notion of philanthropy. Andrew Carnegie has long been one of my idols. JAY What about the future? You planning to rock the boat at all? Stir things up in "Heaven?" Ted's so smooth. We know it's still HIM under all that Armani, but it sure does make him LOOK different. TED Matter of fact, Jay, my uncle and I are planning to rethink the magazine. To expand the traditional western notions of "beauty." JAY I see, so you'd be open to little ladies from Pasadena, who want to show you their knickers? TED Matter of fact, Jay, I'm planning a pictorial focusing on the women of my hometown, "The Girls of Xenia." Just to show my appreciation. OFF IN THE WINGS Julie looks thoroughly disgusted. JULIE The Girls of Xenia? Jesus. BACK TO STAGE JAY Now you're talking. What did Andrew Carnegie ever do? Open a couple of libraries? BOR-ING. INT. PRINCIPAL MERKIN'S KITCHEN - MORNING A Cocker Spaniel, POOCHIE, sits under a breakfast table, holding a newspaper in his snout. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (O.S.) Poochie? Where's my poochie? Where is she? MRS. MERKIN, dressed in a bathrobe and curlers, prepares breakfast. Their beautiful college-aged daughter, JUDY, eats cereal at the table, while flipping through a glamour magazine. Principal Merkin enters. Ready for work. Wife and daughter don't even look up. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (CONT'D) Is my Poochie in here? Principal Merkin pretends to look for the dog in the cupboard. This is obviously a daily ritual. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (CONT'D) Is she in here? No. Where on earth could she be? He looks under the table. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (CONT'D) There's my Poochie! There's my girl! The dog leaps into his arms. Principal Merkin grabs the paper as Poochie starts to lick his face. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (CONT'D) Poochie loves Daddy, doesn't she? MRS. MERKIN Breakfast is getting cold. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Thank you, dear. MRS. MERKIN No dogs at the table. PRINCIPAL MERKIN I know, dear. Principal Merkin places the dog on the ground, takes a seat, and bites into a breakfast sausage. He opens the paper and is confronted by a full page ad. CLOSE ON NEWSPAPER AD "GIRLS OF XENIA, GO STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN!" Details follow. How, when, where to apply. BACK TO PRINCIPAL MERKIN Who chokes on his sausage. Clutches his throat. Signaling to his wife and daughter. "Help me!" Judy looks up, grossed out. Mrs. Merkin attempts the Heimlich Maneuver. Rather ineptly. Principal Merkin turns red, blue, purple. Finally the piece of sausage flies out of his mouth, past Judy. Poochie catches it in mid-flight. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (weakly) Thatta girl. INT. PRINCIPAL MERKIN'S HONDA CIVIC - MOVING - DAY Principal Merkin drives to work, humming along to Liza Minelli's "New York, New York." The song comes to an end and a radio spot begins... RADIO SPOT (V.O.) How many times have people told you, "Jeepers, you look swell naked!" Well now's your chance to go straight to "Heaven!" Principal Merkin tries to change the station. But the ad seems to be on every station... RADIO SPOT (V.O.) (CONT'D) Come on down for "The Girls of Xenia" pictorial. Let's show the nation our cows aren't the only ones with great udders. INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - DAY Students hover at the bulletin board, reading a poster advertising the "Heaven" auditions. Principal Merkin pushes through the crowd and tears the poster off the board. Completely incensed. INT. CITY COUNCIL HALL - EVENING Hundreds of Xenia CITIZENS have gathered for this meeting. Principal Merkin stands in front of the five members of the city council who sit at a U-shaped table. He holds up "Heaven" magazine. Preaching with an evangelical passion... PRINCIPAL MERKIN This, my friends, this is not "Heaven." This flesh rag is a one way ticket to hell! We must voice our outrage! To remain passive in the eye of the devil is like inviting him to a pot luck in your own backyard and asking him to bring the three-bean salad! His supporters murmur agreement. PRINCIPAL MERKIN(CONT'D) For the sake of this community, and its impressionable young minds, I propose this publication be banned from our city! His POSSE of supporters APPLAUD. His opponents GROAN. Ted slouches nearby. A lawyer next to him. The MAYOR bangs the gavel and the commotion settles. MAYOR Thank you for that long-winded but impassioned speech, Mr. Merkin. I hope you can cut to the chase, Ted. Principal Merkin takes his seat. Ted rises. Playing the big shot lawyer. Julie sits in the crowd, taking notes. TED With all due respect to Merk, he doesn't have to read my magazine. But he has no right to stop others. (to Principal Merkin) Ever hear of the First Amendment? PRINCIPAL MERKIN (rising; an outburst) We cannot afford free speech if it excises the moral fiber of this community! TED If that were true, this would be one seriously constipated town. Most guys in Xenia have been looking at naked girls in "Heaven" since they were old enough to figure out their dads hide it under the mattress. A bit of an UPROAR from the crowd. WOMEN eye their HUSBANDS suspiciously. Julie makes a point... JULIE Isn't it true, Principal Merkin, that you only care now because "Heaven" is suddenly too close to home? PRINCIPAL MERKIN Indeed it is, Miss Conroy! I make no bones about it! "Heaven" has gone too far! MR. NEEDLEMAN, another angry man from Principal Merkin's posse, jumps on the bandwagon. MR. NEEDLEMAN Principal Merkin is right! We can't let "Heaven" violate our own daughters, wives, sisters, mothers, girlfriends, aunts... Helen motions to Ted. He quickly locates a page in the report she prepared for him. He handles this like a pro... TED I wouldn't want to name names, Mr. Needleman, or cause any undue embarrassment. But many members of this community have been loyal "Heaven" readers for the better part of the last two decades. Not to mention certain charter subscribers who have developed a voracious appetite for our video library as well. I don't suppose, "Courtney Leaves The Convent" rings a bell to anyone? Mr. Needleman dissolves into his seat. Half the men in the audience seem to evaporate. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Mr. Nelson, you are Beelzebub's henchman! You are single-handedly destroying the integrity of our community, and I will not have it! I'll gather signatures. I'll petition the courts. MAYOR (sheepishly) You do what you have to do, Dick. But if there's a man among us who doesn't like to steal a look at some pretty titty once in a while, let him cast the first stone. The room is suddenly SILENT. Principal Merkin gives the Mayor a hard look. Merkin's face contorts in SLOW MO as he proclaims... PRINCIPAL MERKIN I. AM. THAT. MAN. INT. CITY BUILDING CORRIDOR - SAME TIME Holding a stack of flyers, Charlie chats with Judy, Merkin's college-aged daughter. CHARLIE You're like a centerfold waiting to happen. And let me assure you, I have some serious pull with the publisher. Judy smiles fetchingly. Stashing Charlie's "Heaven" flyer in her backpack. Her father suddenly appears. PRINCIPAL MERKIN What the hell are you doing? JUDY I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want. PRINCIPAL MERKIN My roof, my rules, young lady. He grabs her arm while knocking the stack of flyers out of Charlie's hands. As Principal Merkin drags her away, Judy smiles back at Charlie. He winks. CHARLIE Send us a picture, sugar. We'll get back to you. The stack of flyers FLOATS over the railing and onto the ground floor, just as a group of LOVELY YOUNG WOMEN enters the building lobby. They excitedly reach for the flyers. EXT. DOWNTOWN BUILDING - XENIA - DAY A line of BEAUTIFUL WOMEN - all shapes and sizes - snakes around the block and into a doorway. The women are dressed to impress, in very skimpy clothing. Ted pulls up in his convertible Ferrari. The women shout greetings as Ted heads for the door. INT. BUILDING CORRIDOR - DAY We follow Ted as he dashes up the stairs, along the line of women, towards an office. TED (greeting the women) Hello there...Looking great...Very nice. Charlie looks frazzled. CHARLIE You're late, bro! TED Sorry. Ginger got a little, you know, enthusiastic. CHARLIE You'll never believe who's in there. TED It better not be my Aunt Trudy. They enter... INT. TED'S OFFICE - DAY A YOUNG WOMAN sits with her back to the door. TED Sorry to keep you waiting... The woman turns towards Ted, revealing herself to be Christy Malone. Ted is momentarily stunned. CHRISTY Hi, Teddy Bear. TED Christy? You want to be in "Heaven?" CHRISTY I turned eighteen over spring break. I'm eligible. Ted doesn't know what to say. Charlie's equally stunned. Hell, it seems, has frozen over. TED I feel like I've just been hit by a Mack truck. CHARLIE With a refrigerated cargo bed full of sirloin tip. INT. TED'S BEDROOM - DAY Highly modified since the last time we saw it. A large flat screen hangs on the wall. A high tech computer system for video conferences dominates the room. Ted speaks with Uncle Billy and Helen. UNCLE BILLY So far, so good. Some of them have real Angel potential. TED Really? So I'm doing OK? HELEN We're impressed but not surprised, Ted. You have your father's impeccable judgment. Dad passes the partially open door. Overhearing. He stops. TED My father must've been amazing. UNCLE BILLY He was in a league of his own. Suddenly Ted feels his dad's presence, behind him. DAD Sorry I-- TED It's okay. You need me? DAD (holding a list) Your mom said you've been ignoring your chores. Ted takes the list. Gives it a cursory glance. Nods to his dad, as if dismissing him. TED No problem, consider it done. (to Uncle Billy) I had this idea of shooting on location. Outdoors, you know? Maybe at some famous Xenia landmarks. You think that would be a problem? HELEN We'll send you the release forms, Ted. Our staffers will help in any way they can. UNCLE BILLY You're the Titan of Tushies, the General of Jism. Don't you forget it, Ted-baby. Ted laughs. Completely ignoring his dad. Who backs out of the room. Unnoticed. Neglected. Hurt. EXT. THE NELSON HOUSE - DAY Mom drives up to the house. She stares, aghast. There are tall, beautiful, ANGELS everywhere. One cuts the grass. Another pulls weeds. Two others on the roof, cleaning gutters. Still others wash the car...with Jimmy handling the water hose. Drenching the women, more than the car. Shrieks and giggles all around. Neighbors gawk. Ted's dad guiltily enjoys the view, but quickly rushes to his wife. She gets out of her car and steadies herself on his arm. INT. NELSON LIVING ROOM - DAY Ted stands on an ottoman as a TAILOR fits him for a prom tuxedo. He towers over his parents who try to talk to him. We feel for them. They've lost control of their kid. MOM You have to understand. This was a big shock, for all of us. One minute you're our little boy, of whom we could not be more proud. The next minute you're the owner of this whole pornographic empire. DAD But that doesn't make you the boss of everything, son. MOM Don't you see how your self involvement and lack of humility are affecting the whole family? Ted looks down at them, literally. TED I paid off the mortgage! I ordered that Winnebago you always wanted! Now you're ashamed of me? DAD You ordered a Winnebago? Mom gives Dad a look. Stick to the script. Don't be swayed by presents. MOM We're not ashamed of you, Teddy. We don't approve of the magazine or the models or the so-called "flesh parties" you attend. But we can get past all that. DAD We miss you. We miss our son. MOM We miss our family. TED I promised I'd finish high school and that's what I'm doing. What more do you want from me? Dad glances at Mom, hesitant. She nods, giving him the courage to continue. DAD We think you should give up the magazine. Sell it. Let someone else run it. Whatever it takes. MOM We want you to go to college, find a career you love, marry a nice girl from a nice family, and live happily ever after. Ted laughs. TED THAT is your dream, not mine. My dream is so far beyond anything YOU PEOPLE could even imagine. DAD Watch your tone, mister. TED Why don't you just admit what this is really all about? I'm not your real kid and you can't control me anymore. Mom and Dad look stricken. Ted doesn't know when to stop... TED (CONT'D) No wonder I was so bored. No wonder I hated this one-horse cow town. I come from talented people who took chances and dared to imagine a life without limits! I was never meant to be raised by...GROCERS. Ted storms away, unintentionally CRASHING into a TREASURED FAMILY PHOTO on the end table. The frame shatters into smithereens. Breaking Mom and Dad's hearts. STUNNED SILENCE hangs heavy in the room. INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT Prom night. Couples slow dance to a Marilyn Manson clone, singing a rock version of "Precious and Few." Principal Merkin watches on the sidelines. Surprisingly calm. Suspiciously happy. Ted caresses Ginger's bare back as they dance together. His head nestled against her breasts. Not a care in the world. He spots Charlie on the dance floor. Making out with one of his dates, the IDENTICAL TAYLOR TRIPLETS, while the other two patiently wait their turn. GINGER Teddy? I was thinking. TED Hmmm? GINGER After graduation...maybe we could go away together? TED Whatever you want. WE notice Christy Malone dancing with her FOOTBALL CAPTAIN DATE. The perfect male specimen. Christy gives Ted a disappointed, longing gaze. But he's oblivious. GINGER I bet St. Tropez in July would be paradise. For a honeymoon. Suddenly a FLASH blinds them. It's Julie Conroy, doing her job. Following her subject. GINGER (CONT'D) (snapping) You could have warned us. JULIE Oops, sorry. Warning: You've got lipstick on your teeth. Julie flashes the camera again. Capturing Ginger's panicked expression. We notice that Julie looks alluring in a deep purple strapless gown. Not so glamorous as Ginger, but far more appealing and natural. TED Wow...you clean up nice. JULIE Put your eyeballs back in your head, William Randolph. I'm on assignment. A girl has to fit in. Ginger seems testy and jealous. Her true colors emerging. GINGER Teddy, I thought we were having a moment here. TED Of course we were. Suddenly the music dies. Everyone turns to the stage where Principal Merkin stands proudly. Holding a power cord. PRINCIPAL MERKIN I apologize for interrupting the festivities, but I have some good news. I've been reviewing the rules and regulations set forth by the superintendent of schools. And it seems quite clear... (reading from manual) "Minors may not be accompanied to school functions by adults unless they are their parents or legal guardians." A spotlight suddenly finds Ted and Charlie's beautiful dates. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (CONT'D) So long, ladies. Prom's over. The crowd boos, hisses. TED Honestly, Merk. It's like you were never seventeen and the head of a media empire. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Rules are rules. TED Come on, it's our only senior prom. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Deaf ears, Mr. Nelson. I answer to a higher power. Charlie steps in like a hostage negotiator. CHARLIE Here's the deal, Merk. Forget the "rules and regulations" malarkey and we'll give you seven minutes in heaven with the Taylor Triplets. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Out! Now! Ted realizes his high school reputation is at stake. He steps up on stage. Approaches Principal Merkin. Takes out his wallet. TED What's your price, Merk? How much will it cost to make you go bye bye? The crowd CHEERS. PRINCIPAL MERKIN You're crossing the line, Mr. Nelson. TED A statue in front of city hall, dedicated to Principal Dick Merkin? PRINCIPAL MERKIN I'm warning you. TED A new pediatric wing at the hospital? A presidential campaign? Name it. Anything. Principal Merkin trembles from the sheer temptation of it. Yet he could never succumb in front of so many witnesses. He has to maintain his dignity... PRINCIPAL MERKIN That's it! You're out of here! From nowhere, a flock of beefy SECURITY GUARDS emerge to remove Ted & Co. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (CONT'D) Good-bye, Mr. Nelson. Have a pleasant evening. The Marilyn Manson clone is rapidly whisked away, and replaced by six GEEZERS in powder blue tuxedoes. As Security Guards carry them away... GINGER Ted! Do something! TED (restrained) What do you want me to do? GINGER This is humiliating. We're being ejected from a prom! TED Hang in there, I'll think of something. As they reach the doors... GINGER Well? TED I guess...I don't know...I guess we should leave if we're not wanted. CHARLIE I hear you, bro. We're Angus men in a ground round town. GINGER This is what I get for playing den mother in "Romper Room." Take me to the airport, Charlie! CHARLIE Why don't you just hitch a ride on the horse you rode in on? Ginger storms away in an angry huff. CHARLIE (CONT'D) (calling after her) Don't forget your broom! Ted experiences a moment of loss. TED I thought I loved her. CHARLIE Chicks are like buses. If you miss one, don't sweat it. There's another coming 'round the corner. One of the Taylor Triplets bats her lashes at Ted. CHARLIE (CONT'D) (whispering to Ted) Take your pick. They're IDENTICAL. Ted grins broadly. He turns and SHOUTS to his classmates... TED Everybody, listen up! This prom sucks! Let's party at my place! Responses are mixed. Some cheer, some are undecided. Until the new band starts playing, "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree." And EVERYONE RUSHES for the exit, following Ted. INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT A muzak version of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree," continues. A PIZZA DELIVERY GUY watches the numbers rise to the penthouse. Suddenly the doors open to reveal... INT. HOTEL PENTHOUSE - NIGHT All four penthouse suites have been rented by Ted. It's party central. Very wild. Quickly growing out of control. Kids dance, play drinking games, Spin the Bottle, and generally trash the place. The pizza delivery guy wheels a dolly with a huge stack of pizzas into the party, only to be attacked by the prom-goers like starving beasts. Grabbing the pizzas. Devouring them hungrily. TED'S LUXURIOUS HOTEL SUITE Ted, Charlie, the Taylor Triplets and several buddies lounge around, drunkenly watching THE HOME SHOPPING CHANNEL on Ted's big screen TV. A tacky CERAMIC GNOME rotates on the screen. Ted swigs Dom Perignon straight from the bottle. He shouts orders into his cell phone... TED Hell yes, all hundred and seventeen of 'em! CHARLIE No, leave one. Somebody's grandmother might want one. TED And while you're at it, I'll take ten dozen of those puppies with the springy heads. CHARLIE I love those springy head puppies! CORRIDOR - MOMENTS LATER Ted looks up as the elevator doors open. Principal Merkin has arrived. Ted confronts him... TED You kicked us off your turf, Merk. Don't rain on our parade. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Mr. Nelson, you disappoint me. First you break our school board rules. Then you break the law. TED What law, Merk? Having fun? Letting down our hair on prom night? PRINCIPAL MERKIN Our state has a zero tolerance policy for underage drinking. TED You called the cops on us? PRINCIPAL MERKIN Alcohol does horrible things to a developing young mind. Suddenly the whole XENIA POLICE FORCE appears, in full riot gear. The party's over. Everyone runs for the stairs. Ted gives Principal Merkin a spiteful look and joins the mass exodus. EXT. HOLIDAY INN - NIGHT Drunken teenagers pour out of the building. Dashing for their cars and limos. Ted's among them. Suddenly he's cut off by a Harley that stops right in front of him. It's Julie. Still in her purple strapless prom dress. With a black motorcycle jacket over it. JULIE Need a lift? Ted jumps on, wrapping his arms around her waist. Julie takes off. EXT. STREETS OF XENIA - CONTINUOUS Julie maneuvers the nighttime streets of Xenia, taking off down a country road. TED (V.O.) Where are we going? JULIE (V.O.) To the best hiding place in the world. EXT. JULIE'S BACKYARD - NIGHT Now we understand. Julie's family comes from major bucks. The yard is massive. And resting in a sprawling oak tree is the best hiding place in the world. INT. JULIE'S TREE HOUSE - NIGHT A cozy oasis. Books everywhere. A whole series of flashlights hang upside down like lanterns. Giving the tree house a warm glow. TED I can't believe your dad built this for you. JULIE He didn't. He had it built. TED Whatever. JULIE Not "whatever." It's two different things. TED He cared enough to want you to have it. JULIE He phoned it in. TED I see. JULIE I doubt it. TED Now it makes sense, the whole neo Bohemian, down with hypocrisy, fight the power crap. You're a poor little rich girl. JULIE The ozone must be fully depleted on Planet Ted. TED You think my dad would have been like that if I knew him? You think he would have bought me a stadium, instead of teaching me how to play ball? JULIE Your dad taught you everything. TED I mean my father. JULIE A father is nothing but sperm, Ted. It takes a real man to be a dad. TED It's all so complicated. JULIE It's incredibly simple. TED I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered. Like every part of me is being pushed and pulled and tugged in a different direction. JULIE Eventually you'll let go. TED And then what? JULIE Then you'll see who's really holding on to you. TED You're amazing. JULIE I know. TED Even when you infuriate me, I still want to kiss you. JULIE But you never do. TED If we were a team, we could do anything. I mean, anything. Julie's eyes narrow. She should have known. JULIE Cut to the chase, William Randolph. Your audience is way ahead of you. TED In a word: MERK. EXPOSED. JULIE That's two words. And I'm out of the "exposed" business, remember? I need to graduate. Besides, Merk's a boy scout. TED There's gotta be something. We have to dig deeper. JULIE You forget, I dislike YOU at least as much as him. TED He shut down your paper! You're stuck writing articles about swap meets and raffles and PTA brunches! He's right, but... JULIE A good journalist can take lemons and make lemonade. I'm honing my craft. TED Then you won't mind covering that watermelon seed spitting contest next week... Julie groans. INT. OLD FOLK'S HOME - NIGHT Dressed in a old fashioned barber costume, complete with a handle bar mustache, Principal Merkin sings as part of a BARBER SHOP QUARTET. The senior citizens clap enthusiastically. Ted and Julie peek through a crack in the doorway. Disappointment on their faces. INT. SOUP KITCHEN - ANOTHER NIGHT Principal Merkin pours soup into the bowl of a shabbily dressed HOMELESS MAN. Julie shoots Ted an "I told you so" look. EXT. HIGHWAY - SATURDAY AFTERNOON Principal Merkin supervises a crew of kindergarten CHILDREN, cleaning up the roadside litter. Julie and Ted watch from... A BRIDGE ABOVE THE HIGHWAY JULIE See what I mean. He's squeaky clean. He makes Gandhi look like a war monger. Ted steels himself. Somehow, they'll get him. EXT. XENIA - WATER TOWER - DAY In the golden light of sunset, MOLLY, a stunning "Xenia Girl," stands on the stairs that curve up around a huge water tower that overlooks the city. Her loose spring dress billows in the wind. Held on by only one button. Exposing in quick glimpses that she isn't wearing a bra. An ASSISTANT holds a portable strobe, attached to a reflector. Charlie shoots with his Nikon. Motor drive whirling. TED I have a great idea. Let's lose the last button. Molly grins. Then unbuttons. We hear a round of "oohs" from below. Ted glances down, where... Hundreds of binoculars, cameras, and camcorders are poised on the scene. Men of all ages are milling around, gawking, focusing their long lenses. Women are conspicuously absent. Except for the gaggle of hardcore FEMINISTS with their placards, denouncing "Heaven." One Feminist approaches the Mayor. FEMINIST The city tower belongs to the city, not to some pornographer. MAYOR The library also belongs to the city. And guess what? It's going to have a new Ted Nelson wing with three thousand children's books. The Feminist tries to respond, but a helicopter swoops overhead, drowning out her words. The helicopter rises to the level of the photo shoot where the door slides open. And just when we think it must have been hired by some hard core fans who wanted a closer look, we find Principal Merkin frowning as he barks through a bullhorn. PRINCIPAL MERKIN You should be ashamed, young lady! Your body is a sacred temple! Molly flashes him. Principal Merkin averts his eyes. Missing the sight of Molly's dress being blown off her body by the chopper's prop wash. The spectators below APPLAUD. They watch in amazement as her dress floats down to them. PRINCIPAL MERKIN (CONT'D) Young lady, I will pray for god's mercy upon your soul. MOLLY Don't bother, Merk! I'm already going to "Heaven!" TED (to Charlie) Get them together. CHARLIE (eyes lighting up) Brilliant! Molly, give me all you've got. For Merk. Molly gets the idea. She poses provocatively towards Principal Merkin, who suddenly realizes he's in a compromising position. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Stop that, stop that this instant! But Molly pulls off her panties and flings them at him. INT. TED'S LUXURIOUS HOTEL SUITE - DESK AREA - THAT NIGHT Uncle Billy chortles, his image glowing on a large flat screen monitor that hangs on the wall. Ted leans back in his chair. TED I never saw anybody turn so many shades of red. UNCLE BILLY I can't wait to see the pictures. TED It was incredible. The light, the crowd, everything. Uncle Billy grins proudly at Ted. UNCLE BILLY Such enthusiasm. Have I told you lately how proud I am of you? TED Seriously? I'm doing all right? UNCLE BILLY You're taking this bull of an empire by the horns, but you're still keeping your small town values. You're not letting all this "stuff" spoil you. Ted knows it's not true. He looks guilty. TED I owe it all to you. Without your help I'd be lost. UNCLE BILLY I wish I knew you years ago, when my brother was alive. I wish he never gave you up. TED Yeah, well, like my Grandpa used to say...you can't change your Christmas past, but you sure can exchange your Christmas presents. Uncle Billy forces a laugh. UNCLE BILLY Why don't you come to town this weekend? We could play some golf, chase some skirts. Ted smiles at the appealing offer. TED I'd love to, but I really need to crack the books. Final exams are coming up and I've been slacking. UNCLE BILLY You're right. I should work, too. Our first issue together is almost ready to print. TED Thanks, Uncle Billy. Thanks for everything. UNCLE BILLY You're a great kid. Don't you forget it. With that, he's gone. The room is completely silent. And Ted is completely alone. UNTIL the doorbell CHIMES. TED'S LUXURIOUS HOTEL SUITE - ENTRY WAY - NIGHT Ted opens the door. It's Jimmy, with his shiny new bike. TED James, what are you doing here? JIMMY You can call me Jimmy again. Sheryl Petersen said James sounds too pretentious. TED Sheryl Petersen is, what, nine years old, what does she know? JIMMY She knew exactly where you were staying, which you neglected to tell me, your own brother. TED It's really late...do your parents know where you are? JAMES Mom and Dad think I'm tucked safely in bed and that's all they need to know. Will this discussion be continuing in the hallway, or somewhere slightly more inviting? TED'S LUXURIOUS HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM Jimmy seems impressed by the opulence. He takes off his bike helmet, looks around. JIMMY Impressive. This is bigger than our whole house. TED Most places are, Jimmy. JIMMY They say money can't buy happiness but this is a reasonably good facsimile. TED So, what brings you here at his hour? JIMMY My new bike. TED Very funny. JIMMY I came to ask permission to take custody of your room. TED My room? JIMMY Better view, more spacious, new carpet. It's a no-brainer. TED It's not up to me. JIMMY Mom and Dad said it's yours. They seem to think you're coming home. TED You can have it, then. I'm not going back there. Jimmy whips out a piece of paper from his pocket. JIMMY If you could just sign right there. TED You want it in writing? JIMMY Just a formality. Ted signs. Jimmy squirrels away the paper, excitedly. Starts to zip up his wind breaker. TED That's it? I mean, you don't want to order room service or anything? We could play games and watch movies and stuff. JIMMY Are you kidding? Mom and Dad discover I'm gone and I'll be doing hard time. TED Are they okay? JIMMY Aside from the fact that Mom's eyes are nearly swollen shut from crying and Dad spends all his time under the car trying to fix stuff that isn't broken, things couldn't be better. TED I miss them, too. JIMMY You can't come back. That is, you can, but your things will be in the room you currently think of as mine. TED You're a peach. JIMMY Funny you should say that. My Grandfather was a peach farmer. Ouch. For the first time, that really smarts. TED He was my Grandfather, too. JIMMY I meant biologically. TED That's a crappy thing to say. JIMMY Look Ted. I'm cool with everything. You've long been dissatisfied with our mediocre little town. You've always had an itch for the good life. I'm happy for you. This couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Ted listens. JIMMY (CONT'D) But just for the record, my Mom is a kick-ass schoolteacher and my Dad is the best damn auto mechanic this side of the Himalayas. You seem to have forgotten they opened Nelson's FAMILY Market so they could build something permanent, a legacy, for us. Their kids. TED I didn't forget. JIMMY You ever look down on them again and call them "grocers" like it's a dirty word, and you'll be sucking your filet mignon through a straw for six to eight weeks. Got it? Ted's stunned. Talk about tough love. TED Loud and clear. Suddenly the phone rings. Ted sheepishly explains... TED (CONT'D) That's probably my office. INT. JULIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT JULIE Well? Where the hell are you? INTERCUT BETWEEN TED AND JULIE TED He's on the move? JULIE I got an anonymous tip and an address in Cincinnati. TED Let's do it. TED'S LUXURIOUS HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM - THAT MOMENT Ted hangs up the phone. Looks around. Jimmy's gone. But his SHINY NEW BIKE is left behind. INT. CINCINNATI NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT Not much of a place. A middle-aged TORCH SINGER croons "MY ROMANCE." Ted and Julie find their way to corner table. Keeping an eye out for Principal Merkin. TED I don't know. This place seems pretty tame. JULIE You expected whips, chains, Merk being cattle-prodded by some dominatrix in a leather hood? TED At least it's not another 4-H meeting or a Big Brother barbecue. JULIE Amen to that. Their heads are very close together. A conspiratorial tête-à tête. TED Look at us. It's one o'clock in the morning, on a school night. We're in a smoky nightclub, hoping to catch our principal with some big city tart. JULIE I'm trembling with excitement. TED That has more to do with your proximity to me. JULIE (playing along) My desire betrays me, like goosebumps on my flesh. TED I have a bit of a goosebump fetish. Not many people know that. JULIE I figured you for more of a hairy armpit guy. TED Shoes, if you want to know the truth. Shoes are my thing. JULIE Wearing them? Or humping them? TED My fantasy is a totally naked woman, wearing nothing but a Timex and suede clogs. JULIE That's refreshingly deviant. TED What about you? JULIE I'm very aural. TED Tell me more. JULIE Sounds, voices, music, humming. All of it can turn me on, or off, like a switch. TED (feigning a deep voice) I see. JULIE I had a Portuguese boyfriend who could read the phone book and melt me. TED (jealous) A Portuguese boyfriend. Sounds very "Cosmo." JULIE You live and learn. I realized the most important thing to me, above all, is trust. TED Turned out to be a scoundrel, eh? I saw that one coming. JULIE You lose trust in someone and it's over, done, gone, forever. At that moment, the TORCH SINGER begins crooning "PEOPLE." TED Do you trust me, Julie? JULIE Not a chance. TED Come on. JULIE Trust is something you earn, over time. You don't just inherit it overnight like a gazillion dollar empire. Ted leans even closer. Looking into her eyes. Using his voice. Being as aurally seductive as he can. TED I want you to trust me. JULIE Maybe someday. TED Julie, I'll tell you something that is the god's honest truth. I've seen a lot of really beautiful girls. I mean a lot. But none of them make me feel like you do. JULIE That's hard to believe. TED But absolutely true. Ted moves closer. Julie doesn't move away. The SINGER seems to be performing just for them. SINGER (O.S.) ..."A feeling deep in your soul/Says you were half, now you're whole..." Just as Ted and Julie are about to kiss, Julie's eyes widen. She grabs Ted's hand. Simultaneously, they turn towards THE SINGER... JULIE & TED OH. MY. GOD. It's the Mother Lode! That's not just any middle-aged torch singer. That's Principal Merkin. Dressed in drag as Barbra Streisand. And doing a mighty fine job of it. Ted pulls out his camera and fires away. Blinded by the stage lights, Principal Merkin sings and vogues glamorously. He has no idea his secret is out. EXT. NIGHTCLUB/CINCINNATI STREET - NIGHT Ted and Julie rush down the street in the rain, giggling, totally euphoric. They stop to catch their breath. Their clothes are drenched, but they couldn't care less. In no time they've got their arms wrapped around one another, kissing and laughing. TED We just found the ULTIMATE centerfold for "The Girls of Xenia!" Suddenly Julie sobers, pulls away. JULIE I have to be honest with you, Ted. I really despise "The Girls of Xenia." TED I know, their small town mentality can be maddening. JULIE I mean your pictorial. It bothers me, profoundly. TED Aw Julie, it's my job. It's like being a doctor. Julie eyes him skeptically. JULIE You're telling me you don't get aroused by a roomful of naked breasts. TED You've seen one naked breast, you've seem them all. JULIE Which explains the continued success of "Heaven" for how many decades? TED You're quick. I like that. JULIE You think you're working with chimps here? TED The thing is, I made a commitment. I said I'd do it and I have to keep my word. JULIE Keeping your word is something I can actually respect, Ted. CUT TO: TREMBLING HANDS, STRUGGLING TO LOAD A ROLL OF FILM INTO A NIKON. INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Ted closes the back of his camera. Takes a deep breath. And forces a confident smile. He then peers into the... SHOWER Where Christy Malone limbers up. Stretching her leg against the wall. Wearing her sexy cheerleader uniform. CHRISTY I thought I'd be nervous, but you sure know how to make a girl feel relaxed, Teddy Bear. TED I do? I mean, yeah, I do. CHRISTY I have to admit, I am so totally turned on. We should do it. Now. TED Do it? CHRISTY You know...take the pictures? Christy does her warm-up contortionist poses for Ted. Clothes still on. As reflectors bounce strobes into the shower area. Years of being a merciless tease, paying off right here and now. Christy knows how to make love to the camera. TED I remember the first time you walked into Mrs. Temple's class in 2nd grade. Blue gingham dress. Blond ponytail. CHRISTY Which you pulled, hard! TED That was code for "I like you." Christy giggles. CHRISTY Wanna unzip me? Ted slowly unzips Christy's top, catching a glimpse of her long, sensuous back. She resumes posing. Flashing a bare shoulder. A coy look. She doesn't need direction. She's a natural. CHRISTY (CONT'D) Remember dress up day? You and Charlie lifting skirts during recess. TED I miss those days, when schoolyard sexual harassment was without consequence. CHRISTY Things change. Now I'm taking off my clothes...all by myself. Christy slips off her cheerleader top. Lowers her skirt. Flings it aside. She's wearing only panties the size of a Band-aid. Ted is mute. Staring at her perfect body. CHRISTY (CONT'D) Well? TED You have changed since second grade. CHRISTY I mean, what do you think? TED You expect me to think at a time like this? There isn't a drop of blood in my brain. CHRISTY Oh, Teddy Bear, you're funny. Ted steps out of the shower. Out of Christy's sight, he squirms in his jeans. Trying to hide his enthusiasm. MUSIC suddenly seems to come from nowhere. Nine Inch Nails. "I Want to Fuck You Like An Animal." TED (sotto) God help me. Ted steps back into the shower. Christy rubs an ice cube on her left nipple. CHRISTY I heard they do this on photo shoots. Wanna to do the other one? She tosses him the ice cube. He fumbles. It lands on the floor. TED You're doing just fine, Christy. Believe me. CHRITY Then I'm ready when you are. Ted looks through the lens. We can see him trembling. Music blasts as Ted's camera burns through film. They're both getting into it. Water pulsating over her body. Steam rising. Christy begins lathering her breasts. CHRISTY I was always too shy to admit how much I liked you. TED Come on, I was hamburger. You were porterhouse. CHRISTY Maybe on the outside. But inside, deep down, I've always been dripping with special sauces. (she smiles, sexily) Are you hungry? Is he hungry. He's been working up this appetite for ten years. He can barely contain himself. TED God, you are so hot. CHRISTY Then you better get in the water, before you get burned. Ted calls her bluff. He sets aside his camera. Walks right into the water. Through the steam. Toward Christy. She wraps a leg around him, sucking face, wanting more. CHRISTY (CONT'D) You and me, finally. This will be so fantastic, Teddy Bear. Trust me. Suddenly Ted stops. Remembering what Julie said about trust. TED I'm sorry, Christy. I've been crazy about you forever, and this is definitely a page right out of my palm pilot, but I just can't go through with it. He turns away, but Christy presses her bare body against his back. Wrapping her hands around his waist. Caressing his chest, his stomach... CHRISTY Sure you can. You're only human. It's not like you're made of steel. (she lowers her hand) Or ARE you? SMASH CUT TO: Ted and Christy locked in a steamy embrace. Rolling on the floor. Hands, arms, lips, tongues, all in motion. As the shower drenches them. Suddenly, they roll into a pair of legs. Both look up. The steam clears to reveal Julie. Arms crossed. Hurt, but not surprised. JULIE What's up, doc? She doesn't wait for an explanation. Christy covers herself. Ted chases after Julie. TED Wait, Julie, wait! INT. TECUMSEH HIGH SCHOOL - CORRIDOR - NIGHT Julie dashes out of the girls' locker room, passing a JANITOR. Ted follows, dripping water. JANITOR I'm sorry, Mr. Ted. She pushed right past me. TED (calling after Julie) At least let me explain! Julie darts into the girls' restroom. Ted stops at the door. Then realizes there is no one else around. He heads inside. INT. GIRLS' RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS Julie's too proud to let him see her cry. But we can tell she's upset. JULIE Go away, Ted. Just go. Ted corners her near a row of sinks. TED Please believe me. It was just a kiss for old time's sake. I've had a stupid crush on her since I was seven, but I never got closer to her than four feet and then there she was right in front of me, completely naked. Julie looks at him, pensively. She unzips the back of her summery dress. And lets it fall to the floor. She's completely naked and absolutely gorgeous. Ted gasps. He's been around dozens of naked women by now, but this one he can't just gawk at. This one he really cares about. JULIE Being naked is no big deal. It has nothing to do with emotion, nothing to do with love. You can be around all the naked girls you want and you won't be even one step closer to anything meaningful in your life. She puts on her dress, gracefully. As if nothing happened. JULIE (CONT'D) See that? You don't know me even one ounce better than you did before. You and your stupid magazine. I liked you better when you were sweet and kind and human, like the rest of us. At that moment, Ted's cell phone rings. Julie walks away, leaving Ted completely alone. He answers, lifelessly... TED Yes? UNCLE BILLY (O.S.) We've got a huge problem with the magazine, Ted-baby. Our readers hate it. HATE IT. We need to talk. INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR - DAY Ted walks down the hallway. Three JOCKS look through the new issue of "Heaven." Laughing. They taunt Ted. JOCK #1 You got a great sense of humor. I love the three hundred pound Eskimo chick. JOCK #2 You like Eskimo pie, Teddy? JOCK #3 I like the African chick with the big lip. You could stash a lot of weed in there. Maybe even a six pack. Ted's mortified, depressed. Charlie appears next to him with "Heaven" in hand. CHARLIE Holy stinkers, what were you thinking? TED We wanted to challenge the notions of classic beauty. We wanted to showcase women throughout the world. CHARLIE Next time, make sure you put a barf bag in the centerfold. Principal Merkin approaches. Also holding "Heaven" in his hand. PRINCIPAL MERKIN Ted, I realize I owe you an apology. You're destroying "Heaven" much faster from the inside than I ever could from the outside. Good job, son. Ted could not feel worse. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Ted, Uncle Billy, and Helen. Meeting with the HEADS OF VARIOUS DEPARTMENTS. HEAD OF MARKETING Our advertisers are wigging out. Half of them are threatening to pull their ads for next month. The other half already did. UNCLE BILLY It was nothing more than beginner's folly. Tell everyone to lighten up. HELEN It's a little more serious than that, Bill. The stockholders have requested a meeting. They want our guarantee that this will never happen again. (the words pain her) Some of them are even calling for Ted's resignation. TED Look, the girls of Xenia are gorgeous, you'll see. Next month we'll be back to normal. HEAD OF FINANCE Another disaster like this could sink us. We've got thousands of subscribers requesting refunds. UNCLE BILLY The kid came up with something that sounded good on paper. Who knew our readers wouldn't dig it? Ted bristles. THE KID? The kid came up with something? HEAD OF MARKETING We tried to warn you. UNCLE BILLY Sometimes young people need to make their own mistakes. That's how they learn. Ted can see that Uncle Billy's playing this out differently than he imagined. Giving Ted all the "credit." TED (firmly; to Uncle Billy) It won't happen again. It will never happen again. INT. "HEAVEN" MANSION - TED'S OFFICE - DAY Ted sits at his father's desk. Going through paperwork. Figures. Charts. Reports. CEO work. In the b.g., he hears the PLAYFUL SOUNDS of women. Which distract him. Ted approaches the window and watches a group of girls splashing and playing in the pool. He looks sad. Helen enters behind him. He turns to her. TED I always thought I wanted fame and fortune and beautiful women. But sometimes your dreams come true, and they cause you nothing but grief. I just want to chuck everything and sell the stupid magazine. It's not worth the pain. Helen takes Ted's hand, comfortingly. HELEN Come, let me show you something. INT. MANSION ATTIC - DAY Helen and Ted sit on old trunk. Helen holds a scrapbook in her arms. Explaining to Ted... HELEN Your parents never wanted to interfere with your life, Ted. They knew your Mom and Dad loved you very much. They knew they did the right thing. But that doesn't mean they didn't watch you and miss you, from afar. TED You mean they knew who I was? HELEN They kept this scrapbook of your life. It meant the world to them. CLOSE ON SCRAPBOOK We see baby pictures of Ted, taken through the glass of a nursery. A newspaper photo of Ted playing a donkey in a nativity play. And clippings from Ted's high school newspaper. TED I wondered about them, for so many years. I wondered if I looked like them, acted like them. I wondered why they gave me up. HELEN Giving you up was the most unselfish thing they ever did. When they founded "Heaven," they wished they could take you back but it was too late. All they could do was build the empire, knowing that someday it would all be yours. TED My legacy. HELEN Your parents would be crushed to think you weren't happy with it. TED They're not my parents, Helen. My parents are back in Xenia and I hurt them very much. HELEN I understand. TED And the girl I love, she hates "Heaven." If I keep it, she'll never respect me. HELEN But how can you respect yourself if you don't? INT. NELSON LIVING ROOM - DAY Ted's parents and Jimmy walk through the front door. They're stunned to find a huge 24x36 enlarged family portrait, hanging over the mantle. It's the same picture Ted broke in his childish tantrum. Mom and Dad are moved. Even more so when they see Ted. Waiting for them on the couch. Ted rises. Misty eyed. TED Everything I am is because of you. Can you ever forgive me? MOM (hugging him) Oh, Teddy. We missed you so much. DAD You were always our number one son. JIMMY (rolling his eyes) Mom, Dad. This display of unconditional love is appalling. MOM We are a FAMILY. JIMMY A family, need I remind you, that HE ridiculed and left for dead. TED Shut your pie hole, Jimmy. DAD I will not have my boys arguing. JIMMY So, when I'm seventeen, can I turn everyone's life upside-down, behave like a total piece of canine excrement, and then wipe the slate clean with a half-baked apology and a Kodak moment? MOM & DAD No! JIMMY Which is precisely why I got the rights to my new room IN WRITING. TED (to his parents) I need your help. I'm really in deep shit. MOM Don't say "shit," honey. Use the strong vocabulary God gave you. DAD Besides, there's no problem too deep or too shitty for us to solve. INT. NELSON GROCERY STORE - DAY Dad reaches for a can of peaches from the shelf. DAD Son, it's a simple fix. The only difference between my store and that magazine of yours is a bunch of zeros. Now, have I ever told you the story about the can of peaches? INT. CONFERENCE HALL - DAY A "Heaven" stockholders' meeting in progress. Uncle Billy stands at the podium. UNCLE BILLY Ladies, gentlemen. "Heaven" has gone to hell. Behind him are charts, wall graphs. We quickly realize he is a complete and utter turn-coat. UNCLE BILLY (CONT'D) I loved my brother. I stood by his wishes to let his son run the company. A son he never knew. A son that he and his wife gave away at birth. A son who was raised in a world quite different from our own. Nevertheless, I was there for the lad. I guided him as best I could. But he's only seventeen, with a mind of his own and judgment that is, well, frankly, not a chip off the old block. There is only one clear solution... (gesturing to himself) And I think we all know what that is-- TED (O.S.) --PEACHES! CANNED PEACHES! Ted bursts into the meeting with his Dad. Holding up a can of peaches. Suddenly hundreds of eyes are upon him. Curious, bewildered. Ted dashes to the podium, with passion in his soul and fire in his belly. UNCLE BILLY What are you doing? TED My job. Back off, Benedict. Uncle Billy steps into the shadows as Ted looks out at the crowd. He's petrified. But he takes a deep breath and finds the courage to explain... TED (CONT'D) The only man I called "Dad" owns a little grocery store in Xenia, Ohio. He learned a lot of cool stuff from my Grandpa, who was a peach farmer in his day. Grandpa knew the right thing to say in every situation, and it usually involved peaches. My dad's a lot like him. And he taught me, you have to focus on the peachy side of life, not the pits. Dad's eyes are filled with tears. He's never been so proud. TED (CONT'D) There was a time when canned peaches were the hottest, greatest thing ever invented. It was like a little taste of summer, anytime you wanted. Grocery stores couldn't keep them in stock, they were so popular. And even though other canned fruits like pears, plums, and pineapples have come along, people still need to know they can get their canned peaches, on the same shelf, whenever they want them. It's comforting, you know? It fulfills their expectations. The stockholders are listening. Uncle Billy grins nervously. Unable to believe Ted is pulling this off. TED (CONT'D) You're probably wondering if there's a point to all this and I guess it's just that I goofed last month. I not only moved the canned peaches, I restocked the shelves with kiwi, guava, and mandarin oranges in heavy syrup. I challenged people's expectations. And you can't do that to your customers. So, I ask you for one more chance to fix things and give our readers back their canned peaches. The stockholders APPLAUD enthusiastically, giving Ted a standing ovation. Ted turns to Uncle Billy. TED (CONT'D) Thanks for teaching me an important lesson. What makes a family is love, not blood. UNCLE BILLY All is fair in "Heaven," Ted-baby. TED That's right. And guess who's the new King of the Unemployment Line. UNCLE BILLY Aw, come on, kid. Throw me a bone. I'm your uncle for gosh sakes. INT. "HEAVEN" HEADQUARTERS - DAY MONTAGE Ted looks at pictures. Layouts. Reads copy. Listens to his staff. He seems confident. In control. Mature beyond his years. The magazine goes to press. In VOICE OVER, we hear Julie, reading the article about Ted that she wrote for the school paper. JULIE (V.O.) "It's easy to fall prey to petty jealousy when considering the young life of Ted Nelson. But how would any of us behave if one day all our dreams came true? Would we handle it half as well? Would we find ourselves making the same mistakes for which we criticize him?" Someone hands Ted a copy of Julie's article. He reads the last portion of it aloud... TED "One can only hope that Ted Nelson will find bigger and better dreams upon which to set his sights as the years pass. And that he will remember, always, where he came from." EXT. JULIE'S HOUSE - DAY Julie opens her front door. Charlie grins. He hands her a copy of "Heaven." CHARLIE Page three. Intrigued, she turns to the page. CLOSE ON MAGAZINE We see a special dedication, "To Julie, My Partner in Crime, With All the Love in the World." Julie's eyes fill with tears. She flips ahead to "The Girls of Xenia" pictorial, only to find-- Principal Merkin. Singing his heart out, in drag as Barbra Streisand. It's a series of shots from the Cincinnati nightclub. Other shots suggestively include him with Molly in the foreground, as if they posed together. JULIE Not bad for a hack. He has a future in yellow journalism. CHARLIE He kicked major ass and you know it. INT. MERKIN'S HONDA CIVIC - MOVING - DAY Principal Merkin drives. The RADIO plays in the b.g. As one song ends, we hear the DJ say... DJ This one's for you Dick Merkin of Tecumseh High. From all your students. With hugs and kisses. The voice of Barbra Streisand fills the car. BARBRA STREISAND (ON THE RADIO) "People/People who need People/Are the luckiest people in the world." Principal Merkin pales. He turns off the radio. But somehow, he can still hear the song. As he pulls into the school parking lot, students wave enthusiastically. He waves back tentatively. Anxiety rising. EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY Principal Merkin swings open his car door to be greeted by the sound of Barbra singing her heart out through the parking lot. Every student's car stereo blasts the song. Students CHEER. Chanting: "BAR-BRA, BAR-BRA, BAR-BRA!" Principal Merkin turns crimson. EXT. SCHOOL STADIUM - DAY Graduation caps fall all around. People hugging, laughing, overjoyed. Ted searches for Julie, but she's nowhere in sight. INT./EXT. NELSON'S HOUSE - EVENING A big graduation party in progress. But Ted sits in the corner, looking sad, dejected. Julie didn't show up. He blew it. Jimmy and Charlie approach, with cheering on their minds. JIMMY Why so melancholy? CHARLIE You were born naked, wet, and hungry. Now you're hip, handsome, and rich. You are the coxswain on the ship of life. JIMMY Eat, Drink, and Screw Mary! CHARLIE (proudly) I taught him that. TED Great. JIMMY From my wise, albeit youthful, vantage point, the world is your oyster. You scored big. CHARLIE You got everything you ever wanted. TED Except the girl. The only one that really mattered. JULIE (O.S.) And who might that be? Miss July? Miss August? Ted turns to find Julie. His faces brightens with hope. TED Julie, wow. I was afraid you left. I was afraid I'd never see you again. JULIE I'm not going anywhere, Ted. You're the one with the champagne wishes and caviar dreams. TED I decided to let Helen run the magazine. I need to go to college, learn a few things, you know. Julie seems pleased. TED (CONT'D) And I thought maybe I'd take up boating. I've always wanted to be a "coxswain." JULIE Very ambitious. I like that. TED The thing is, I'll need a first mate. JULIE I know where you can find any number of naked girls who'd love to hop on board. All kidding aside, he speaks from the heart... TED Julie, you were right. All the naked girls in the world mean nothing. It's the one you want to cover up with your coat that you really love. Julie smiles... JULIE Planet Ted. Five years from now. What's happening? TED I graduated from college. Did great, summa cum laude and all. And I'm about to launch a brand new magazine called "EXPOSED!" An homage to Miss Julie Conroy of Xenia, Ohio. Julie grins. JULIE I know where you can find an excellent editor-in-chief. TED Yellow pages? JULIE Let your fingers do the walking. Suddenly the music changes. "People." Ted grins. TED They're playing our song. (extending his hand) Dare I ask for this dance? JULIE (taking his hand) You better. Ted and Julie begin dancing and kissing in the b.g. Charlie and Jimmy feign tears. CHARLIE I'm a sucker for a happy ending. (hugging Jimmy) Hold me. And we start to RISE AGAIN, above the NELSON HOUSE, into the clouds above Xenia... TED (V.O.) So, as you can guess, everybody pretty much lived happily ever after. My parents didn't give up the grocery store... We descend through clouds and quickly find we're... EXT. LONDON - BUCKINGHAM PALACE - DAY Mom and Dad take pictures and smooch in front of the palace. TED (V.O.) ...but they did manage to sneak away for a second honeymoon. ON A NEARBY NEWSSTAND We ZOOM CLOSE on "Heaven Magazine," where pages flip open in the wind, revealing... PRINCIPAL MERKIN "EXPOSED" IN THE PAGES OF "HEAVEN." TED (V.O.) Merk's appearance in "Heaven" turned out to be a good thing. He was spotted by a talent scout... INT. LONDON DRAG CLUB - NIGHT Principal Merkin dressed as Barbra, singing "Don't Rain on My Parade." TED (V.O.) ...and went on a European summer tour, fulfilling his lifelong dream. Naturally he brought Poochie, the only girl he ever really loved. IN THE WINGS Poochie, the Cocker Spaniel, watches. Wagging her tail. TED (V.O.) After graduation, Charlie moved to Utah... STILL PHOTOGRAPHS OF... EXT. UTAH FARM - DAY Charlie wrestling in a haystack with the IDENTICAL TAYLOR TRIPLETS. TED (V.O.) ...where he married all three of the identical Taylor Triplets. Let's just say, they've been very busy... Peeking out of the haystack, we spot at least a dozen CHARLIE JR's. TED (V.O.) (CONT'D) And even Uncle Billy landed on his feet. INT. TELEMARKETING CUBICLE - DAY Uncle Billy wears a phone headset. He seems to be swimming in a sea of "Time-Life" style operators. BILLY ...with a two year subscription to "Heaven," you get a free underwater calculator. TED (V.O.) And now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll get back to being the coxswain on the ship of life. EXT. SAILBOAT - PACIFIC COAST - DAY Ted and Julie sail off into, what else but a GLORIOUS SUNSET. FADE OUT